Do Not Resuscitate
Sirens Preview
There was a time not so long ago where many people would react to the prospect of a certain type of Channel 4/E4 programme with horror, a knee-jerk reaction predicated on the notion that it was bound to be moronic, aimed at undiscerning people in their 20s and made entirely by “we’re so good at telly” media monsters. Gradually, people (and I include myself in this) began to realise that programmes like Skins (in its early days), The Inbetweeners and particularly Misfits were not only passable, but were in fact among the best things on television. Under the auspices of the Channel 4/E4 commissioning process the different production companies that made these shows consistently blended terrific scripts with some of the best casting decisions I’ve ever seen. So now when I remember that I almost missed Misfits because of my lingering prejudice, rather than recoiling from a new Channel 4 series that doesn’t look my cup of tea, I seek it out. Even after the car crash that was Campus.
Sirens appears to have a lot going for it. There’s a strong cast led by Rhys Thomas (Stuart), famous as the immortal Gary Bellamy in Down the Line and Bellamy’s People. He’s supported by Richard Madden (Ashley), fresh from HBO’s megasmash Game of Thrones; Karyvan Novak (Rachid) familiar from Chris Morris’s terrorist farce Four Lions; and also Amy Beth Hayes (Maxine) who was outstanding as Ruth in an early episode of Misfits. The three main male characters are paramedics who are called out to deal with incidents ranging from vomiting drunks in street fights to major traffic accidents and life or death situations. The stresses and strains of this environment, and the impact it has on their personal lives, is a potentially interesting scenario with plenty of opportunity to undercut drama with black comedy. Like Scorsese’s Bringing Out the Dead only without Nicholas Cage and with more nob gags.
Unfortunately, Sirens sets back the cause of Channel 4 comedy/drama by several decades. It’s so bad that it makes No Angels look like The Kingdom. I like Rhys Thomas, but he’s horribly miscast here, and for the first few minutes it’s impossible to avoid feeling that you’ve stumbled upon a deleted scene from Bellamy’s People where Gary accompanies a team of paramedics around a hamfisted portrait of Broken Britain. If Stuart had been played by a more convincing actor then that might have helped disguise Tony Basgallop’s tissue thin script, but instead we’re left with the full horror. The jokes are not even Confessions of a Window Cleaner bad, they are Adventures of a Plumber’s Mate terrible. Men who are horny can’t even trust themselves to be in a room with a woman or they won’t be responsible for their actions -- the mere glimpse of cleavage leads to a full-blown Kenneth Connor body shudder only without the charm. The whole thing appears to have been made by people who thought that the last series of The Inbetweeners, rather than the first, should be the template of comedy vulgarity to which they aspire, and they lack the wit to match even that.
I won’t spoil the plot, such as it is, but it involves trauma and denial, a bit of primary school-level “isn’t life awful” schtick, all wrapped up in a rudimentary story that could only have been written by a man with 157 episodes of Hotel Babylon under his belt. It’s not all terrible: Amy Beth Hayes works wonders with an insultingly written character, while Karyvan Novak makes the most of some uninspired slapstick. There’s the odd genuinely amusing moment towards the end, but the funny line “Haven’t you got anything more upbeat?” would have been funnier if I hadn’t had to wait 40 minutes before it turned up.
On the evidence of this first episode, Sirens is neither funny nor dramatic, has no engaging or interesting characters and wastes the talents of those unfortunate enough to be in it. OK, it’s not Campus, but that’s meagre comfort. Worst of all Alison Graham, TV critic of the Radio Times hates it as well, and I can’t bear agreeing with her. As Clive James once said of Jane Fonda: “If ever I find myself sharing a belief with her, I re-examine it immediately.” Well I’ve re-examined my opinion of Sirens, and I’m afraid I’m still with Alison.
Sirens begins on Monday 27th June at 10pm on Channel 4
