The Bed Sitting Room
Torchwood Miracle Day: End of the Road
God bless Torchwood and all who sail in her.
I’m serious. End of the Road was one of the most liberating, audacious, and original hours of television I saw last Tuesday. And here’s why:
It’s easy to ape a show like 24 or CSI: Miami, where people are professional and seem to know what they’re doing, but life’s just not like that; it’s far more difficult and dangerous to produce an “anti-episode” of 24. Yes, a prime-time hour of television where everyone fails to do their job properly – goodies and baddies alike – which culminates in a denouement so nihilistic it could be read as a subtle metaphor for the death of television drama itself.
In fact, the episode is a masterclass in not pandering to audience expectations:
How Not To Arrange a Meeting
Sure, holding an innocent family hostage in Wales sounds good, but surely there was an easier way to get Jack to come to your house? I don’t know, like an email or a phone call, perhaps?
“Hey Jack, I know you’re doing your nut in trying to work out this damn Miracle thing, well, do you remember Angelo Colasanto? Yes, that terrible companion of yours who stood by and watched as you were hacked to death all those years ago. Yes, the one with the enormous penis. Well, he needs you to come over so he can spill the beans about the whole thing. Yes, I’m serious. I’m sorry, what was that? You’ll be over in ten minutes? Great. I’ll put the kettle on”.
How Not To Be A CIA Agent
Please see Esther Drummond (episodes 1-6). Her greatest achievement this week is betraying Jack’s trust at the drop of a hat to the Powers That Be, conveniently forgetting that it’s the Powers That Be who are currently burning everyone to death and, as silly as it sounds, Jack is probably the only person who can fix this mess and stop her crazy sister from killing herself. Esther’s reactions at the end of the episode, when she visibly pisses her own pants (in a subtle homage to Threads), proves that her incompetence is entirely intentional and it’s a brave move that should be applauded. When you’ve stopped laughing, that is.
How Not To Blow Yourself Up In A Fit of Pique
So, they’ve threatened your family and you are under strict instructions to blow yourself up if you are caught working for the bad guys. Just remember to detonate that bomb when you are at a safe distance from the main protagonists, especially the one who just entrapped you and ruined what’s left of your crummy little life. Whatever you do, do not attempt to blow up the entire house. Wait until you are in a car that’s parked far, far away. However, make sure you take some innocent bystanders with you while you’re at it, or we might get mixed signals.
How Not To Stay In The Country
In order to get deported as quickly as possible (which, to be fair, will do wonders for all those air miles you’ve been racking up) remember to physically threaten everyone you come into contact with. At least twice. And when you aren’t doing that, just scowl in the corner. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to be likeable or indispensable to the ongoing investigation. You’ll be putting your feet up with some chicken or beef before you know it.
How Not To Be Notice Anything Even Remotely Suspicious
You see those three people kneeling on the floor gesticulating wildly to each other? Yes, the ones who are less than two feet away from your desk and who are currently engaged in what looks like a game of Twister crossed with Charades. No? Oh well, I guess that game of solitaire must be really bitching then.
How Not To Be A Mole
Oh look, there’s another traitor working inside the CIA. That’s handy, what with the other traitor now tarmacing the Colasanto’s driveway, but don’t you think the latest mole should take her private calls somewhere, I don’t know, a little more private? I half expected her colleague to turn to her and say, “Don’t worry, I’m a mole, too. I’m scheduled to take over from you when you’re shot ten minutes into episode nine. Chillax”.
How Not To Be A Prostitute
Look, I’m no expert here but that did not go well. And just how is it possible to get on a high horse after offering to dress as a schoolgirl for a pedophile anyway? That is one hell of a climb. In short, if you are ever offered a job where the client is a child-murdering pervert then you might want to think about taking the assignment before you end up in a room with him. You never know, he might start acting really normal or something.
How Not To Work in PR
If Max Clifford spoke to his clients like that – even the ones he thought were the scum of the earth – he would walk around with a permanently broken nose. This may sound great on paper but it probably wouldn’t happen in real life because he knows how to do his job, unlike Jilly Kitzinger. I am also sure that Max wouldn’t take on an intern without glancing at their Facebook profile first. You can’t be too careful in that business and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t get people he’d only just met to hire prostitutes for him; he’d probably get someone he really, really trusted to do that. Probably.
How Not To Write An Exciting Hour of Television
Set the whole thing in a bedroom. No wait, set it in two bedrooms! No, three bedrooms! Go on – no one will ever see that coming. It’s cheap. It’s oddly thematic. It’s brilliant! I recommend watching this episode in bed as well.
How Not To Write A Review
Please see above. I didn’t even tell you how much I enjoyed John DeLancie’s performance. At least somebody is having a good time.
