Issue 3.2 April 2007

24: THE DAY AFTER

The next season of 24 is set to "up the ante" further than ever before. In order to top season six's nuclear attack the producers have decided to set Day Seven in a post-apocalyptic LA. where Jack will fight dysentery, hair loss and giant intelligent cockroaches. To quote Keifer Sutherland: "And if that wasn't bad enough, Chloe is in a really foul mood!"

24 Poster

Thanks to a devastating EMP pulse that rocks the planet in the opening minutes of episode one, the famous digital clock motif will be replaced by a sundial, while CTU will be staffed by starved and mutated boy scouts armed with abacuses and dead fish.

Tachyon TV can exclusively reveal details of the season critics are already calling "the seventh":

Just After the Cock Crows: Sod all happens because the absence of any functioning mobile phones means no one can forward the plot!

Elevenses: If nuclear armageddon wasn't bad enough, CTU are shocked to discover that giant cockroaches have taken some nuns hostage in the ruins of a local school.

Darkness Before Noon: Jack discovers that the lead cockroach is a Islamic fundamentalist cockroach. Now he's really pissed!

Early Evening to Dusk: Jack helps a survivor to give birth to a mutated baby in the middle of a field of dead sheep. Bizarrely, no one knows what the hell the sheep were doing in the middle of L.A. in the first place.

Night Time: as nuclear winter descends on L.A. Jack and Chloe realise that it's up to them to repopulate the planet. A desperate race against time ensues as Jack goes on the hunt for a brown paper bag.

GALACTICA 2008

The conclusion of Battlestar Galactica at the end of season 4 has not stopped Ron Moore from creating a new spin-off addition to his burgeoning franchise. Galactica 2008 will continue the adventures of the Galactica after it reaches present day Earth. As the Cylons are still following the fleet, Adama has to lead them away from Earth, while at the same time allowing the children of Galactica to find sanctuary on the planet. If this sounds familiar, it's because Moore has long been a fan of the original BSG sequel, Galactica 1980.

galactica 2008

"What I liked about Galactica 1980 was that it was aimed at children, and I feel that a child's perspective was the missing piece of my version of Battlestar. We hope to set that right with Galactica 2008". Moore is reluctant to give too much away, but he confirms that aiming the show at children does not mean he'll be changing the dark vision embodied by the parent show: "I think children are intelligent, and it's important that they aren't patronised. As soon as they realise that life is short and futile, and that betrayal, murder and sexual jealousy will accompany them throughout that short life, the more they can grow as people."

Moore then added: "Oh, and we're dusting off the flying motorcycles, man!"

Tachyon TV has exclusive details of the first season episodes:

Everybody Dies Sometime: Adama tricks the Cylons by transporting the children of Galactica to Earth and then leading the alien pursuers away into space. Unfortunately for the children, he hides them in a gigantic meat freezer in a remote warehouse in New York and the Galactica cannot return for at least 72 hours. When Adama finally unlocks the freezer even he is stunned to find out what the children have done to survive...

Junior Suicide Squad: On an expedition to Toys'R'Us, the surviving Galactica children run into a pack of local hoodlums. When they are cornered in a firework display shop, the children realise escape is useless unless one of them makes the ultimate sacrifice. After drawing lots the sobbing children take two-year old Boxy Jr, strap him to a skateboard and wrap him in fireworks before lighting the fuse and pushing him slowly in the direction of the braying pack...

The Death Scream of Little Johnny: A lone Cylon finds the Galactica children and while murdering four-year old Johnny is destroyed by the resonance of his blood-curdling death scream. The Galactica crew arms the children with recordings of Johnny's final cry of pain and the increasingly disturbed tots wipe out an entire battalion of Cylons while sobbing at the constant reminder of their dead friend's agony...

Daisy is a Junky: The children of Galactica become suicidally depressed, so Boomer returns to earth and leads a raid on a pharmaceutical company to find anti-depressants. The children are stunned when they only find a couple of bottles of Prozac, but things look up when Boomer uncovers an enormous stash of pharmaceutical heroin...

Suffer Little Children: In this final episode, Adama tortures and slaughters all the children just in case one of them is a Cylon.

The series comes to CBeebies in Autumn 2008 with the full co-operation of the NSPCC.

HEROES ASSEMBLE!

Tachyon TV can exclusively reveal that season 2 of the hit sci-fi series Heroes will feature the introduction of yet more super-powered misfits and weirdoes. Some of them might actually be played by actors who haven't appeared in Doctor Who!

heroes ice cube melting man

  • Ice Melter Man: has the ability to melt ice at room temperature just by staring at it for 22 minutes.
  • Smell Tea Girl: possesses the enviable ability to smell tea where ever she goes.
  • Stay Up All Night Watching 70s TV Man: can watch an entire series of Thriller, The Six Million Dollar Man and Pipkins each and every night and still hold down a full time job as a road sweeper.
  • The Restorer: can VIDfire archive television programmes so they are ready for immediate release on DVD.
  • Mint Man: always gets through to ITV's The Mint quiz on the very first call. He manages to amass a personal fortune of £120,000 each and every week, however, his power is nullified whenever Brian Downing is the host; Brian soon becomes the Mint Man's nemesis.
  • Predictive Text Woman: can reply to text messages with perfect grammar (including apostrophes and semi-colons) mere seconds after receiving them.
  • Fare Dodger Man: can avoid paying for public transport (including budget airlines).
  • Follow 'Lost' Man: can work out what the hell is going on with JJ Abrams Lost without the aid of any internet forums.
  • CSS Man: sees the world as a series of perfectly connected DIV tags.
  • Check-Out Boy: always manages to find a free check-out spot whilst shopping - even on Saturday afternoons!
  • RTD: this man possesses the power to revive flagging television franchises just by making them "a little bit gay". Season 2 of Heroes will follow his nefarious plans to relaunch Albion Market on an unsuspecting public.

Totally dr who confidential declassified

The third series of Doctor Who Confidential is to be accompanied by a new series, Doctor Who Confidential Declassified, which will feature behind-the-scenes footage and interviews from the popular behind-the-scenes-footage-and-interviews show. In addition, because Doctor Who Confidential is popular with children, CBBC have commissioned their own family-friendly behind-the-scenes-footage-and-interviews series, Totally Doctor Who Confidential.

totally dr who confidential declassified

However, because completist Doctor Who geeks over the age of eighteen will undoubtedly be watching Totally Doctor Who Confidential and will want to know more about it, that series will be accompanied by a brand new programme featuring behind-the-scenes footage and interviews, Totally Doctor Who Confidential Declassified. To avoid confusion, the forthcoming family-friendly behind-the-scenes-footage-and-interviews series about Doctor Who Confidential Declassified has consequently been retitled Utterly Doctor Who Confidential Declassified. This will be shown on CBBC immediately after Totally The Sarah Jane Adventures.

Meanwhile CBeebies has commissioned its own behind-the-scenes footage-and-interviews Who spin-off aimed at the under-fives, provisionally titled I Like Doctor Who ‘Cause It‘s Good.

DOCTOR WHO SEASON 3 GUIDE

Join Tachyon TV for an exclusive guide to the new season of Doctor Who:

  • 1: Alas Smith and Jones – The Judoon, an angry militaristic race of cloned Rhinos, are embroiled in a never-ending war against the Rotans and threaten to invade contemporary London. Their commander General Slinx makes a deadly deal with the Vordans and only the Doctor can stop them by sticking his screwdriver down Slinx’s brobic vent.
  • 2: The Dan Brown Code – The Doctor and Martha arrive in contemporary London and meet the famous author Dan Brown. Only the Doctor and Martha can help him in his lawsuit against the Quark creators Haisman and Lincoln.
  • 3: Gridlock of the Shrivenzale – The Shrivenzale runs riot in a contemporary inner-city London council estate where it causes traffic jams and multiple pile-ups. Stars Reggie Yates as Martha’s idiot brother. Only the Doctor and Martha can stop him from dominating screen time.
  • 4: Daleks in Manhattan Pizza Company – The Daleks attempt to take over contemporary New York by supplying the residents of the Manhattan area with Dalekenium stuffed crust pizza treats. Only the Doctor and Martha can stop them by taking over a rival franchise and massively undercutting the frustrated pizza vendors of Skaro.
  • 5: Daleks Invasion of Dulwich 2007 AD – Foiled by the Doctor in their attempt to take over New York, the Daleks downsize to a sleepy yet desirable suburb of South-West London. Only the Doctor and Martha can stop property prices from tumbling.
  • 6: The Lazarus Experiment – the Doctor and Martha attempt to stop a renegade TV producer from bringing the defunct soap opera Albion Market back to life.
  • 7: Level 42 – Mark King’s thumb is missing and only the Doctor and Martha can find it. In contemporary London.
  • 8: Human Nature – Based on the New Adventure by Paul Cornell. However, instead of being set in 1914 this story will be set in contemporary London. In it the Doctor falls in love with a human woman. Nothing unusual there, then.
  • 9: Family of Blood – The Doctor feels more and more human and his smugness threatens to consume his remaining regenerations.
  • 10: Blink 182 – the Autons are controlling the pop combo Blink 182. Only the Doctor and Martha can stop their assault on the download charts.
  • 11: Utopia – Derek Jacobi stars as The Professor who is struggling to complete his RAE 2008 submission in time. Only the Doctor and Martha can help him with his paperwork.
  • 12: The Sound of Drums – the Doctor and Martha find themselves battling the percussive combo 'Stomp' during their sell-out tour of contemporary London.
  • 13: Zog – The Zogs home planet, Zog, is under attack from the Macra but nobody cares. So they all move to contemporary London instead. Featuring John Simm as Captain Zog.