Sci-fi fans Rally Together For 'Enterprise'
When the news that 'Star Trek: Enterprise' had been unceremoniously cancelled by UPN broke on the internet, discerning sci-fi fans around the globe immediately put aside their differences and united together in a common cause.
Within minutes of the news breaking chat rooms were buzzing, petitions were running and websites were er... humming.
"We have to do everything in our power to make sure 'Enterpise' stays cancelled," said a spokesperson for the campagin. "It's had reprieves before - and Bjo Trimble has already threatened to write a strongly worded letter - but if we all pull together we can keep this dog down".
The group calling themselves P.H.E.W. (Please Help Enterprise Wither-And-Die) have already paid for a full-page ad in 'Variety' which simply reads: 'Well Done UPN! Give Yourselves A Big Slap on the Back!' while crates of champagne, chocolate and caviar have been shipped to UPN executives and their family and friends.
"Just keep the answer phone messages obsequious. If we're not careful the sci-fi channel might pick it up and drop 'Battlestar Galactica'; it's just the sort of crazy thing they'd do. We have to keep the pressure on. And once we sink this bitch we can use the momentum to bring down Andromeda as well".
Davids Caruso and Duchovny have called Tachyon TV to let us know that Scott Bakula is taking the news as well as can be expected, and we can exclusively reveal that Porthos has already found work in an episode of 'Joey'.
Photoshop Blues
The unprecedented secrecy surrounding the new 'Doctor Who' series is beginning to have unforeseen consequences, with Britain's sci-fi magazines reporting a big increase in workplace stress as hard-pressed staff are forced to find more and more uses for the three officially released stills of the new stars.
An anonymous source told us: "We're getting desperate now. We've been covering this series for eighteen months now with three pictures. Three lousy pictures! We've got to the point where we've tried every trick in the book - cropping them, flipping them over, changing the backgrounds, ringing up Clayton Hickman. Sure, they're good shots and everything, but how many times can you run the bloody things? If I have to come up with something different for that one of Billie crouching like a constipated cat, or Chris making a move on her arse, I swear I'll move to 'Andromeda Monthly'."
The situation has become so desperate SFX has resorted to hiring the legendary Chris Archilleos to draw some pictures instead. And he's been dead for seven years!
'24' Spin-off Set in England
The BBC have agreed to co-produce a spin-off from '24' which will feature the recently sacked Chloe O'Brian as she tries to create a new life for herself in an insurance company in Leicestershire.
Tachyon TV is proud is present exclusive spoilers for the first five episodes of 'CIS: Ashby de la Zouch':
9am-10am: CIS is placed on high alert when the staff discover that Chloe is on her menstrual cycle.
10am-11am: Chloe blows a colleague's kneecaps off when they forget to update CIS's anti-virus software.
11am-12pm: Chloe spots her line manager fiddling with his time sheets and all hell breaks loose! Rumoured to feature a cameo from Naked Mandy as a temp.
12-1pm: Break for lunch.
1pm-2pm: Chloe reveals that she has Tony Almeida hidden in a filing cabinet. Jack Bauer calls for a quote on his car insurance. Can Chloe quote him happy? Does she even know what 'happy' means?
Big Finish: 'Pease Pottage'
'Doctor Who' fans were left slavering in anticipation and fretting about their bank balances as Big Finish announced the latest spin-off in their ever-expanding “cash-in” range.
''Pease Pottage' is a 72-part series based on the exciting adventures of everyone’s favourite ginger whinger, Melanie Bush, who will once again be played by everyone’s favourite 'Doctor Who' actress Bonnie Langford," explained Nick "I’m a Dalek and it’s official" Briggs, who called us yesterday to brag about some of the fantastic storylines they have planned for the series.
“Mel is an ordinary girl-about-town who just happens to get into lots of scrapes and adventures in the bustling village of Pease Pottage, while she waits for the World Wide Web to be invented." he droned. "So, expect plenty of misunderstandings with the Vicar and some incredibly tense jam making contests. Have I mentioned that I'm a Dalek?"
The first release - 'Mel and the Cream Tea Dilemma' - will be released in May on a triple CD for £21.99. It will also be available at 10th Planet in a special edition sleeve that will cost you much, much more. This will be followed two weeks later by 'Mel and the Custard Cream Incident' which will feature Nicholas Courtney as a retired soldier (but not the Brigadier, as that would cost too much in licensing) with a hidden past and an addiction to biscuits. A loosely-themed trilogy about an impending Bring-And-Buy Sale and the K2 Robot is also on the cards, while a spin-off from the spin-off - 'Melanie Bush: Bound and Gagged' - is already Number 1 in the Amazon Pre-Release charts.
Ron Moore’s Next Project Revealed
After the soar away success of 'Battlestar Galactica', Ron Moore is preparing to re-imagine another 1970s series: 'Dad’s Army'.
"Of course, the original show was unmitigated shit," said Moore yesterday, "but it does contain many of the themes I am currently interested in: the spectre of war, paranoia, and mad Englishmen".
'Dad's Army' purists are already up in arms after learning that Jones will be WREN in the new version, as Moore feels that Clive Dunn’s performance is an impossible act for another male actor to follow.
"Don't panic," smiles Moore. "We have a lot of surprises in store and the loyal fanbase will just have to live with them".
Original cast member Ian Lavender, who initially scorned the idea of a remake, is currently in negotiations to appear in the new series as a recurring character. Stupid boy.
