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More Doctor Who Theme Nights Planned

BBC19 Schedule

Doctor Downloaded

Red-faced BBC1 chiefs have been forced to download episode 1 of the new series from the Internet - because the corporation's own copy has been worn out through over-playing.

The admission came as the channel prepares for the high profile launch of the series. A source explains: "It's all a bit embarrassing, really. We were doing a last minute check of the programme before transmission and we discovered that the picture's gone all fuzzy in parts".

He went on to say that the problem had been caused by "Constant re-playing of certain clips. Trouble is, there's been so many bloody programmes wanting to show a bit of the new Doctor Who that the tape's simply worn out. You know, like when you were at school and there was a porn video doing the rounds. The bit where the Doctor says 'Run for your life!' and then the building blows up has got these white lines scrolling down the screen all the way through. And the clip where he's blathering on to Rose about how they're floating through space has got some terrible distortion on the sound. Mind you, that's not necessarily a bad thing."

In related news, the episode leak has been traced to Canada (although some leeks were also traced back to Wales). The person responsible is rumoured to have been eaten by a large plastic sofa.

Doctor Who DVD Details

BBC Worldwide have announced details of a lavish 10-disc DVD box set which will be released two days after they've sucked every last penny out of the vanilla releases.

While the first three discs will consist of all thirteen episodes of the new series, discs 4-10 will feature a wealth of exclusive behind the scenes material including an unedited compilation of all the interviews where Christopher Eccleston has a chip on his shoulder about how 'the earlier Doctors spoke with received pronunciation' (90 minutes), Russell T Davies telling us he 'doesn't care about aliens on Planet Zog' (3 hours), and Billie Piper going on about how it's 'a love story and you really want them to get together.' (several days).

There will also be clips from news and current affairs programmes featuring lazy journalists 'arriving' in the TARDIS, constant references by presenters to 'hiding behind the sofa' and plenty of 'Daleks can't go up the stairs' gags. A special bonus disc will feature a continuous loop of Jeremy Paxman dematerialising.

Issue 23: March 2005

Charlie Brooker sues Tachyon TV for undisclosed six-figure sum.


Mark Thompson, the Director General of the BBC, announced a further two and half thousand job cuts yesterday as the Corporation tries desperately to re-coup some of the funds invested in the new all-singing, all-dancing, all-alien-pig including update of Doctor Who.
 
"Some might regard the laying-off of the entire newsroom staff as excessive," Thompson explained in a press release. "But we feel we can operate with a core team cutting out the excess middle-men we've built up over the years. While it is true that the burden of having to write, research, direct, produce and present the news is likely to be  a burden on Sophie Raworth's shoulders, we are confident that she is up to the challenge."


Clayton Hicupman has promised that the new issue of DWM will contain at least three new images from the new series: one of Rose with her back to the camera, one of the Doctor wearing black in an extremely dark corridor and another featuring an invisible monster.


Fans were left screaming in the streets this week when the BBC failed to release any tat to coincide with the start of the new series. "It's a disgrace," said Andrew Beech. "When the TV Movie came out 8 years, 70 days, 14 hours and twenty six minutes ago, the BBC released loads of stuff like crappy, out of focus posters, a useless Post Card book filled with blurred images, and a Birthday Cake! I have money in my pocket and nothing to waste it on!"

A spokesperson for the BBC replied: "If it helps, we do have a monster book coming out soon that's bound to be piss-poor".


Bonnie Greer is still on the run from hardcore Philip Larkin fans.


Fans have criticised the Doctor Who Radio Times Special. "The flaps on the cover stick together after repeated use!" they cry.


When asked if he was worried about whether there was an audience for a programme that featured gormless automatons with large plastic foreheads, Russell The Davies said "I hope not. Why would anyone want to watch Ant and Dec?"


An elderly couple in the Shetland Islands are still unaware of the return of Doctor Who. Christopher Eccleston will be parachuted in later this evening.


Andrew Pixely's Mastermind questions had to be toned down by the production team when "What did Colin Baker have for breakfast on the morning they filmed scene 7B of Attack of the Cybermen?" was deemed to be too hard - even for the nutters taking part.


The NHS attempt to cash-in on the Who Hype by offering two heart transplants for the price of one.


The Sci-Fi channel deny that they didn't buy Doctor Who because it was "too British". It was the intelligent scripts and intentional humour that really freaked them out.


Fans were left distraught when they learnt that the "filmised" look for the new series is actually someone projecting cheap video onto a whiteboard which is then re-recorded onto an old 1985 Betamax tape that Phil Collinson found in his attic.


STOP PRESS: A tit-for-tat scheduling war has broken out between the BBC and ITV. Latest EPG information indicates that Doctor Who will now air at 10:37am with Ant and Dec's Saturday Morning Takeaway currently poised for transmission at 10:36am. More news as we get it.

#23 was brought to you by:

Neil Perryman
Damon Querry
Jonathan Appleton
Paul Hayes
James Whittington

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