Farscape fans have been asked to target Nielsen viewers in their continuing battle to revive their favourite TV show. With only six Neilsens needed to warrant a possible renewal (see 'Farscape 6' story below), fans have decided to go for the highest profile Nielsens they can find.

According to Farscape's executive producer, David Kemper, six viewers were responsible for the cancellation of his show. When the ratings dropped from 1.6 Nielsen points to 1.4 Sci-Fi pulled the plug as as Kemper explains: "Each 1/10 represents 3 people in America with a Nielson box. Three. Tres. So six people somewhere stopped watching or went somewhere else [.] and we're no longer a viable show."

Tachyon TV felt it was its duty to track down the bastards responsible. If you see any of these people approach them with extreme crackers.

MTV UK have previewed a forthcoming attraction in its new autumn lineup - a reality sitcom called The Bakers. Inspired by the hit series The Osbournes, it follows the daily lives of Tom and Colin and their clan as they move to a new Knightsbridge mansion, where they oversee the ups and downs of their respective theatrical, local newspaper journalism and voice-over careers.

Said MTV spokesperson Sophie T. Billyfluff, "We are delighted to have the Bakers as part of our new lineup. After Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's success as TV stars, we set out to find another duo of eccentric Brits, whose attempts to get through the mundane reality of daily life, despite their addled and unique perspectives, lead to all manner of colourful and entertaining situations. Tom and Colin are recognised the world over. Well, one of them is anyway."

Tachyon TV is proud to reveal some exclusive transcripts from the new series:

(Tom is in the study as his wife sorts through paperwork)

TOM
Ahhhh......now, where's my filofax, I swear I'd put it down here a moment ago. A vast, bulging thing, swathed in black fake-leather, like the wobbly arse of an ageing and obese prostitute, squatting there vying for my potential entry.

TOM'S WIFE
It's there. Right there, in front of you. On your lap.

TOM
Ahhhhh, so it is, so it is! Yes, so very perceptive of you! Yes, I WAS actually aware of its location mere centimetres away from my quivering digits, but it allowed one the opportunity to orate in a crude and jocular manner, and as you know I do like to-

TOM'S WIFE
Oh f*** off you boring f****r and stick the kettle on.

TOM
Right-o.

(Colin and his wife are in the kitchen as their daughter appears, ready for a night out)

DAUGHTER
Da-aaa-d, I just want money for a taxi to Helen's party, that's all.

COLIN
A taxi? A taxi? A TAXI? Listen my girl and listen well. I wrote a column not two weeks ago for the Barnsworth Echo about the atrocious overcharging of taxi drivers in the vicinity and I'll be damned, damned, if I'll allow you to wander with all the naivety of youth into their greedy, manipulative clutches!

DAUGHTER
Oh f*** off dad.

COLIN
Manners my dear, it's 'Go forth and multiply'!!

(Colin is at his desk in the living room, typing away)

NANNY
Mr. Baker, it's the phone for you.

COLIN
If it's the Nuneaton Chronicle, tell them it's in the post. If it's the Leyland and Euxton Courier, tell them I'm on schedule. And if it's the Northcastle Hippodrome, direct them to my agent and tell them I'd like to play Buttons.

NANNY
It's some bloke from the Doctor Who fan club, wants you to do a convention in Barnsely tomorrow aft-

COLIN
GIVE ME THAT PHONE!!!
(lunges chaotically and accidentally crashes through a plate glass window)

(Tom and Colin are in the living room, TV switched on)

TOM
....so it was Stephen Fry, Brian Sewell, Gore Vidal and myself, and just as I opened my ninth bottle of red, some f***ing c*** of a man in a multi-coloured scarf comes groveling up to me and says -

COLIN
Oh, balls and damnation! How d'you get this bloody DVD to work?

TOM
Christ, please, not another bloody commentary...

COLIN
No no no no no, they're repeating old editions of 'Crosswits' on Challenge TV and this recordable player is perfect for copying a memento of my extra-Who-iccular achievements to date.

TOM
Just don't wipe over my TV ads disk.
(both stop what they are doing and turn to face each other with blankly depressed expressions)

COLIN
Oh, f*** .....

TOM
I was loved once.....yes, I was loved once...

Tony Blair's government has released a dossier which accuses the Iraqi government of stockpiling weapons of mass destruction which not only threaten the civilised world as we know it, they infringe upon intellectual property rights too.

This new report reveals that in the summer of 1983 the Elite Republican Guard stumbled upon a dog-eared copy of the Star Trek Technical Manual which they had confiscated from an unlucky western tourist, and within a matter of months the regime had built a prototype photon torpedo. According to a panel of leading experts, Saddam could manufacture his own photons in a matter of months! His ultimate goal is the construction of his very own Genesis device, a venture that was recently nipped in the bud when some shiny bits of perspex from a factory in Basingstoke were intercepted en route to the country.

The report goes on to suggest that the Iraqi's have turned their attention to other media franchises in their quest for firepower, insinuating that it is no coincidence that following the screening of Babylon 5 in the region the Iraqi leader began to cultivate a biological weapon which only effects telepaths. This follows satellite imagery of long-range boulder throwers called Mass Drivers, which are rumoured to have decimated thousands of cows, some as far away as Kuwait.

Employers have estimated that over £12 billion was lost in revenue when workers pulled a massive 'sickie' on the day of release of the Doctor Who DVD 'Carnival of Monsters'.

The adventure has been long awaited by fans and such was their enthusiasm for the DVD that on its release day, millions took the day off work to watch it once, twice, even 3 times in a row!

"Releases and repeats of 'Carnival of Monsters' only come round every eight years or so," said fan Jimmy Storkraiser. "I figured the Man owed it me a day off to slouch on my yogurt-stained sofa to watch some decades-old British sci-fi. Smash the system!"