 NEMESIS NAME CHANGE
Paramount Pictures have taken the radical step of re-badging Star Trek: Nemesis as Star Trek: Eleven after Wil Wheaton describes the film as "the worst Trek movie that I've not appeared in."
The rebranding comes after the latest film fails to live up to the 'Even=Good, Odd=Bad' law which Paramount has strictly adhered to in the past (Insurrection, the ninth film in the series, even called for reshoots in an effort to make the film appear "blander"; this was deemed to be impossible).
Executive Producer Rick Berman is reported to be devastated at the news of the film's failure and he called Tachyon TV to vent his spleen. "I just don't understand it - we did everything right! We blew up lots of stuff, we crashed the Enterprise and we hired Kate Mulgrew. Where the hell did it all go wrong? OK, so Picard's clone looks nothing like him, I admit that. Who knew that George Formby was dead? At least we got one of Britain's leading novelists to take on the role - and yet all we get is complaints! It's madness!"
When we put it to Berman that the film was trying too hard to emulate Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khaaaannnnnnn! Berman remained defiant. "At least our film has the audacity to kill off a lead character without hinting like crazy that they aren't really dead and they'll be back in the next film. Oh no, wait, that can't be right..." Berman then hung up.
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TACHYON TV SEASON 2 CANCELLED!
 Tachyon TV has been cancelled and will cease production with the release of the current Christmas issue. Poor hit-counts, lack of newsgroup sympathy and immature attempts at humour we're cited as the official reason for the cancellation - but that's obviously bollocks.
We at Tachyon TV are furious. We were given certain assurances that a second season was a forgone conclusion. We went so far as to redesign the entire site and we had planned to go fortnightly in the new year. We are shocked and appalled.
The news came to us at the very last moment with the issue still half-finished. Now no-one will ever see what we had planned for the rest of the Christmas special, which included an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at Return of the King ; we had a 75 year-old woman from Circencester using Photoshop to painstakingly blend Elvis Presley into Middle Earth and now we have to call her up and give her the bad news. Merry f***kin Christmas.
The real reason for the cancellation is quite simple - apparently The Powers That Be contend that you can't have a satirical science-fiction website when there isn't any science-fiction left to have a pop at. The cancellation of Farscape, Firefly, Birds of Prey , Odyssey 5 (any day now) coupled with the conclusion of Angel, Buffy and the death of the Star Trek franchise mean that we'd be stuck for anything to make fun of until the Red Dwarf movie comes out (like that's gonna need any help!).
There's talk of a one-off special in 2005 with the release of the next Star Wars film, but it's just a lot of idle speculation at the moment. Perhaps someone out there might start up a website (the domain is free, we've checked). No pressure. I mean, it's not as if we've be going longer than Firefly or Birds of Prey or anything...
Until the studios get back to the business of making piss-poor science-fiction, this is Tachyon TV switching off...
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I Love 'I Love' - Every bloody night, BBC2
Stuart MacConie, Lisa Rogers and that woman who played Hattie on EastEnders , wistfully reminisce on what it was like to make the 'I Love...' TV series in late 1999.
Temptation Village, Christmas Eve, Sky1, 10pm
David Shayler introduces a brand-new reality show which sees six kidnapped MI5 Agents locked-up in a mysterious holiday camp in North Wales. Will their government take them back at the end of the show or will the Agents succumb to temptation and sell their state secrets to the highest bidder? (The show features Leo McKern's last-ever television appearance as 'the Voice of Al Qaeda)
Noel's Christmas Presents, Christmas Day, BBC1 11am
Touching programme which sees the hirsute ex-TV presenter giving gifts to the unfortunate and disadvantaged amongst us who can't enjoy Christmas like normal people. Don't forget to have your handkies at the ready when Noel brings some soup to David Duchovny and David Caruso, while the delivery of a hamper to the cast of Farscape will certainly warm the cockles of your heart.
The Queen's Speech - Christmas Day, BBC1 3pm
NEWSFLASH - The Queen's Speech has been cancelled due to falling ratings and a steadily increasing CGI budget. However, UPN are said to be interested in picking it up as a mid-season replacement.
Goodbye Mr Chips - Boxing Day, ITV1 8pm
Star-studded drama starring Martin Clunes as Mr Chips, a computer generated icon who suddenly discovers that Catchphrase has been cancelled... With Paul Darrow as Roy Walker.
The Fight - Berman V Braga, Sunday 29th, BBC1 9pm
Two complete gits fight it out in a boxing ring armed with Vulcan Lirpa axes and accompanied by the famous 'Amok Time' fight music arranged by Chas 'N' Dave.
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Fox have cancelled Firefly after it fails to reach its intended target audience, namely people who can sit through it without falling asleep George Lucas placed on suicide watch following the release of The Two Towers
Sophie Aldred, who played the the companion Ace in Dr Who , is expecting to give birth on December 25th. "It's the Second Coming!" exclaims a fan who is preparing to turn up at her house bearing Cyberman repellent, a "frankly intense" New Adventures novel, and a Myrka
George W. Bush berates the latest Bond film for "giving the North Koreans ideas"
Plans for Two Towers memorial hits raw nerve
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Collision Course - BBC1
Harrowing series which examines what really happens during catastrophic head-on collisions. This week: The Dangers of Ramming Speed. Featuring emotional interviews with Bruce Boxlietner, Tony Todd and Patrick Stewart. Narrated by Charles Dance.
Real Player TV - Bravo
Harrowing real life moments caught on a camcorder and broadcast at two frames per second with really shitty sound.
Puppets to Muppets - C5
Documentary chronicling every aspect of Episode 2 from early pre-production to scenes of people parting with their hard earned money to see the completed film.
Two Thousand Channels on Sky - BBC1
Michelle Collins and Paul Kaye star as the couple who can't find anything decent to watch on TV.
Matthew Kellys Mysterious World - C4
Join Matthew at his Sri Lankan retreat as he explores some of the world's greatest mysteries. This week: Jeremy Beadle.
Red Shirt - BBC1
Tamsin Outhwaite stars as a member of an Away Team, just biding her time until she snuffs it.
Rogue Traders - BBC1
Consumer Watchdog programme featuring two men on a motorbike loosely based on the one from Akira . This week: The Sci-Fi Channel, featuring incredible hidden camera footage of Bonnie Hammer slagging off Stargate to a colleague as she commissions yet another season.
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#13: Hans Blix
"Do I have the right? Some things might be better with the Iraqis..."
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Neil Perryman
David McGowan
Matthew Sawyer |
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