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SHAKESPEARE RECOMMISSIONED
 Fans of William Shakespeare - or 'Bardies' as they're more commonly known - are rejoicing after discovering that their favourite playwright has been re-commissioned for BBC1.
"It's about bloody time," Den Hetts of the WSAS told us through his chimney.
"We've had over five hundred years of 'he'll be back soon' and now our kids will grow up with their very own Shakey.
"Of course, everyone has their favourite - the one with the ass-head, the one with the crown, the one with the skull in his hand, the one that isn't very funny, and the one who keeps seeing shrubs moving all by themselves. Now a whole new generation will cower behind ye olde sofa from appalling puns and a superstitious hatred of commoners".
No news yet on who'll be cast as the Bard, but William Hill have Anthony Stewart Head as the 4-1 favourite.
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STAR WARS DVD DETAILS
Tachyon TV has got its hands on some exclusive details concerning the changes Lucasfilm have made to their upcoming Star Wars DVDs which are due for release next year. Here's just a taste of what to expect:
- The Macarena has been added to Darth Vader's first appearance on Princess Leia's ship.
- When Obi-Wan is talking to Luke about his father 'Anakin's Theme' plays in the background and then it turns into the Macarena as he talks about Vader.
- Koo Stark gets her kit off.
- In place of R2 wobbling down the stairs to the Falcon's hangar, a CG R2 wobbles down the stairs instead.
- The white boxes around space ships have been removed and new grey CG boxes have been added instead.
- When the Death Star destroys Alderaan there's a new scene of Yoda's reaction to a curry he had last night.
- The words "Tractor Beam" now appear in large, friendly letters.
- The Death Star plans that are taken from R2 have been updated with a Quicktime plugin.
- Chewbacca gets spayed.
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CONNERY TO SCREW MORE CLASSICS
 Following the release of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Sean Connery is now on the lookout for further roles in movie versions of loved classics which he can then ruin.
A spokesman for the recently knighted star says "Sean is up for more parts in dodgy new rehashes of something that's previously been a success - in whatever format. TV, comic books, he really isn't bothered what it is so long as the money's right and he can have his name attached to something that people are already extremely fond of.
"Sean was delighted to be able to take part in messing up The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. It was right up his street; a project which took something that had been a success elsewhere, drummed up lots of excitement and anticipation, and then let everybody down with a ropey Hollywood version.
"Obviously it wasn't quite up to the standard of The Avengers, but then again what is? It really was a massive achievement to take one of the most famous British series of all time and turn it into a dog like that. Sean was thrilled to be involved in the process."
Connery's agent is understood to have been instructed to seek out plum roles in whatever forthcoming dreadful big screen version of an existing franchise is available.
"They've been talking about a movie of The Prisoner for years, and we're monitoring developments. And there's also Watchmen, which he could royally fuck up. We'll be lobbying hard behind the scenes, make no mistake.'
For God's sake, don't tell him about Doctor Who!
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 NEW WHO REVEALED
After intense speculation, the actor who will occupy the TARDIS has been announced. Despite the shock news, industry pundits were quick to claim they'd been expecting this all along.
"Well, he's already got his own wardrobe, hasn't he?" said Clayton Hickman of DWM, "and a ready-made quirky but entertaining personality. It was obvious that Adam Hart-Davies would get the gig."
So it's out with the sonic screw-drivers and in with time machines mocked up in true Blue Peter fashion from a coat hanger and a bicycle pump. The opening story arc 'What the Daleks Did For Us' will feature Hart-Davies wittering manically into the camera and re-enacting Davros' infamous genetic engineering rant.
Rumours emanating from inside the BBC indicate that the Doctor will be stranded on Earth and we'll see the energy-conscious Time Lord peddle his own way between adventures in his trademark day-glo skin-tight cycling shorts.
When asked whether they were aware of non-actor Hart-Davies' history of cringe-inducing mugging the BBC replied, "Absolutely. That's why we picked him. There are some Who traditions that even we have to maintain."
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STAR TREK: ALHABAMA
A grass-roots overhaul of the Trek franchise is to revolve around drunken wife-beating hicks, according to Rick Berman.
Following disastrous ratings for the third season of Star Trek: Enterprise, concerned Paramount chief executives have ordered a major rethink and insiders are claiming that the revamp is nothing short of radical.
SPOILERS FOLLOW: Captain Archer is made redundant when Starfleet is 'outsourced' to a private company. Blacklisted for union activities, Archer is unable to find work and winds up living in a trailer park in Alabama; after marrying T'Pol in Vegas, he lives a life of alcoholic violence, regularly slamming her face into the accounts book. 'Trip' Tucker starts working at a gasoline station and the funny-faced Doctor man starts living in a helmet.
The theme, Faith of the Heart' has been rearranged for the Banjo.
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Police were called to the recent Panopticon Dr Who convention in London when a knob was viciously swiped next to a replica TARDIS console. Luckily, Dame Andrew Beech only received minor bruising
Farscape returns as a special four-part press release. At the time of writing Ben Browder has been signed up for 2 press conferences and one live online chat. More news as we get it...
A huge power surge reported by the National Grid on Saturday 22nd November was wrongly attributed to kettles boiling during half-time in the Rugby World Cup Final. Research now indicates that it actually coincided with End of Part Two of 'Tomb of the Cybermen' on UK Gold
Experts have warned that the current glut of television revivals could actually reverse the flow of time. One egghead said, "Superstars, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, Farscape, Basil Brush, Dirty Den - If this keeps up, then we could be facing a time disruption of Sapphire and Steel proportions! Especially if Sapphire and Steel makes a comeback as well".
Patrick Allen and Tom Baker were arrested outside a pub in East Cheam last night. The fracas began when Allen accused Baker of stealing valuable voice-over work from him, particularly on BBC3 alternative comedies. Allen, stalwart of Vic and Bob and Solvit adverts has been in a deep depression ever since Baker 'stole' his monk story for the autobiography. Tom Baker refused to comment, unless there was a pint in it for him
Star Trek cancels itself in an attempt to get in on some of this "revival action" The Radio Times Doctor Who special sells out in just one week! Five covers were used for the special edition, two of which were used for a wraparound Colin Baker
DVD.co.uk refuse to ship the Babylon 5 series 3 DVD on the grounds of dodgy plots and arcs which fall to bits on close examination
Upon hearing news of Doctor Who's return Dreamwatch magazine were heard to say "Doctor Who? Eh, what's he talking about?" The editorial team are now rumoured to be in crisis meeting with Gary Leig
Steve Roberts and the Restoration Team have gone into hiding after VIDfiring footage culled from a mysterious tape they found while holidaying in a small log cabin somewhere in America's Midwest. "It's marvellous," said Steve via coded letters from a secret hiding place. "You can really see the well properly now, and the film doesn't judder when that three legged goat thing hops away. On the downside, we do lose that lovely filmic effect, and I will die a horrible death at the hands of a vengeful ghost but you can't have everything."
The Doctor Who/Weakest Link special which was featured on Children In Need is now officially regarded as canon, claims the BBC
Shock News! Tachyon TV has heard that Michael Sheard has turned down a convention appearance! Stay tuned for further developments as this earth-shattering story develops.
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Thunderbirds T-shirt: includes the slogan 'The Film will be S.H.I.T'
Lorraine Heggessey Blow-Up Doll - Strictly limited edition.
SFX Sexy Staff Special: Soft-porn supplement featuring softcore shots of Gay Hayley and Dave Golder.
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Neil Perryman
Declan Kennedy
David McGowan
Jonathan Appleton
Steve Kilbane
John Paul Green
Pad Riley
Arthur Banks |
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