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JOHN WILLIAMS SUES HIMSELF
 The composer John Williams has stunned the entertainment world by suing himself for plagiarism.
"I just can't allow myself to get away with it any longer," said the bearded maestro, speaking through his lawyer who is also acting on behalf of himself.
In his defence Williams claims that he has tried to break the habit that has spanned almost 25 years.
"I stopped stealing my own melodies and instead I decided to use no discernible melody at all, as you can clearly hear in my soundtracks for Harry Potter and AI. But then the Star Wars movie came along and before I knew it I was doing it again."
Fellow composer Jerry Goldsmith dismissed the lawsuit. "John doesn't steal from himself - he steals from me. If you translate the Sanskrit from Duel of the Fates they are actually singing 'The little bastard is born of a Jackal. Run away. Run away!' The thieving git."
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LUCAS CLAMPS DOWN ON COPYRIGHT INFRINGERS
 LucasFilm" have announced Draconian measures to stop unauthorised performances of scenes from the Star Wars films.
Schoolyards are said to be the first target in the battle against pirates who are rumoured to be as young as six years old.
"It's a flagrant abuse of the intellectual property of Mr. Lucas," said a sycophant. "Every time some little bastard pretends to be Boba Fett it degrades the integrity of the franchise. They're like a walking Napster waiting to happen."
Many of the young tykes who auditioned for the role of the young Anakin Skywalker in Episode 1 will now be employed by Lucasfilm to infiltrate kindergartens across the United States, where they will immediately inform teachers of any unauthoirsed playground reconstructions by shouting "Whoopeee!" at the top of their lungs.
"It's not just the kids," said LucasFilm. "Every time some drunk puts a pint glass over his face and says 'Set your coordinates for the Hoth System' the inherent menace in Mr Lucas' creation is dissipated. They must be stopped. All of them."
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THE ONE WHERE THE DIRECTOR LOSES THE PLOT
In his search for some Star Wars titles that aren't sphincter crushingly awful, George Lucas has taken a leaf from the book of the American sitcom Friends.
"All their episode titles are extremely memorable," said the bearded charisma-free director. "Putting 'The One With...' in front of the story speaks to the viewer of a deeper, mystical significance that resides within, which resonates perfectly with the mumbo-jumbo Jedi bollocks I'm making up for the last film".
The Star Wars films will be now known as:
EPISODE VI: The One Where the Death Star Blows Up
EPISODE V: The One Where Luke's Father Shows up and Han and Leia Get It On
EPISODE VI: The One Where the Death Star Blows Up Again
EPISODE I: The One Where that thing That Looks a Bit like a Death Star Blows Up
EPISODE II: The One Where the Clones Attack
EPISODE III: The One Where Ross and Rachel get Married on a Death Star
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LUCAS LOOKING ELSEWHERE FOR PREQUELS
George Lucas has announced that he is set to direct three further prequels, this time for the Dukes of Hazzard.
"It's an epic tale that has to be told," he lied. "The story of a young idealistic boy, Boss Hogg, who is taught by Jesse Duke in the ways of making moonshine and driving fast cars over big ravines. But he is seduced in the dark ways of Hazzard, and he starts handing out speeding tickets to country and western singers and forcing them to perform in the Boar's Nest".
It's thought the final film will lead up to the birth of the brothers Bo and Luke Duke: one will live as a farmboy and the other (probably the blonde one) will end up as a princess.
Episode I: A New Hat. In which Boss Hogg finds he has an unusually high count of fatty tissue and starts to wear a white Stetson.
Episode II: Attack of the Clowns. In which the Bounty Hunters Boba P. Coltrane and Enus make their first appearance.
Episode III: Return of the Gen Lee. Boss Hogg falls in love with Daisy Duke, with disastrous consequences.
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CHRISTOPHER LEE BUYS THE M3
 The esteemed genre actor Christopher Lee, 129, has bought the M3 motorway in a last ditch attempt to unearth the remains of the original print of The Wicker Man, which were buried there in the 1970s.
"The missing footage is extremely important to the integrity of the film," said Lee. "The moment where I flounce around to Lindisfarne with only a couple of dead hares strapped to my knackers is crucial to understanding the motivations of my character. Thankfully, I've made a shit load of cash recently and so I decided to treat myself!"
The missing footage is also said to restore a subplot involving a fruit importer who comes to the island to sample the famous Summerisle Apples. In one harrowing scene the Man from Delmonte says "No! Christ Noooooo!!!!!!"
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THE '5 DOCTORS' 3RD TIME LUCKY?
 The BBC is adding a very special version of a 1983 Doctor Who classic to its roster of titles for the 40th anniversary of its highly successful but "not-actually-in-production" TV show.
The Five Doctors Redux will feature the following special features:
- An optional laughter track
- A unique colour control facility which allows the viewer to alter the intensity of Jon Pertwee's suntan
- Exclusive fanboy commentary: a droning, nasally challenged voice extolls the wonders of the story, points out the many holes in the script and tells you where you've seen Dinah Sheridan before
- A new music track featuring the rhythm and vocal stylings of Gwen Piddle and her tea dance string trio. (in Dolby 5.1)
- A special edit with Paul Jerricho's Castellan (above) seamlessly removed
- The "easy as pi" reference explained by Prof. Stephen Hawking (85 mins)
- Tap dancing Cybermen
- The original and complete Children in Need broadcast that The Five Doctors was part of (6 hours 15 minutes)
- An interactive copy of William Hartnell's death certificate to prove he had a good excuse for not appearing in it, and a copy of Tom Baker's bar bill to prove that he didn't.
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DR WHO RESTORATION TEAM RESIGNS
The entire Doctor Who restoration team has resigned over criticism from fandom.
"There was this one Dr Who fan," sobbed gollum-hued Peter Frankensteinz, "who DARED to suggest we shouldn't have added the tap-dancing Cybermen to the Five Doctors special edition!!!" (see above).
"It's what director Peter Moffat would have wanted," added Steve Roberts. "That's if he was an anal nerd who couldn't leave things alone. I mean, don't they know who we ARE? The pain, the sheer agony that we put ourselves through for them? The human body is not designed to sit in a four-foot square cubicle with Colin Baker while he talks about Vengeance on Varos for an hour-and-a-half".
The resignation will be released on DVD, with a special branching mechanism so the viewer can decide in what style you can watch them flouncing out of the building.
The team have refused to return until the words "They do a fantastic job - and they do it all for free, you know" is placed into a bar-code and stamped onto the foreheads of everyone who's bought the Tomb of the Cybermen DVD with Patrick Troughton talking like he's in a Godzilla movie.
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BABYLON 5 FAN STOPS UPDATING WEBSITE AFTER 9 YEARS
In a shock announcement yesterday, Babylon 5 fan Jeremy Wingnut (27) decided to stop updating his Babylon 5 website.
"I just can't be arsed anymore," said Jeremy. "What's the bloody point?"
There was a time when Jeremy's website, The Long Dark Upload of the Soul, would be updated daily with the latest news and gossip. "One day we got our hands on Gary Cole's inside leg measurement and an exclusive picture of Patricia Tallman in a shopping mall in Utah." Jeremy's eyes suddenly glaze over and the interview is abandoned.
In related news, Joe Straczynski has blamed a change of policy at the Sci Fi channel for the final nail in the coffin of the Babylon 5 franchise. "They just don't want to make space based shows anymore," said the not-at-all-bitter Executive Producer.
The Sci-Fi Channel refused to comment as they were far too busy commissioning two more seasons of Farscape, a Dune mini-series and the relaunch of Battlestar Galactica.
However, it's not all bad news as Babylon 5 fans finally had something to celebrate last month when the show graduated to a prime time slot on the 'soft core-porn and other assorted shite repeated ad-nauseum' UK cable channel, Bravo.
With episodes now airing 15 times a week, adverts that constantly blow the gaff on most of the arc plot, and a fucking great orange logo distracting viewer's attention away from the bits of the show that don't make any sense, fans are hoping that B5 could finally achieve the kind of mainstream popularity only previously achieved by Mortal Combat: Conquest and Ripley's Believe it or Not.
Bravo are said to be delighted with the unexpected ratings success and as a result they plan to launch a new range of home-grown SF shows with a soft-core twist. Stay tuned for an erotic Blade 2 spin-off called Reapers Wives and Mutant XXX.
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STAR WARS NIGHT ON BBC2, WEDNESDAY 15th MAY
On the eve of the release of next Star Wars film, BBC2 examines the myth behind the legend with a night deicated to the franchise.
7:00pm STAR WARS NIGHT Introduced by your host, the cute astro-droid BeeBee Seetoo.
7:10pm TOM PAULIN'S STAR WARS MEMORIES Weep tears of joy as Tom Paulin wistfully recounts his personal journey through The Phantom Menace which traversed from 'preposterous' to 'obliquely charming in its Jungian simplicity. I quite enjoyed it.'
7.30pm THE QUEUE Pt 1 Fly-on-the-wall coverage of the queue to see the new film as it opens in Croydon. Tension mounts as the cinema manager starts putting Star Trek: Nemesis posters up at the front of the queue in an attempt to freak out the assembled throng.
8:10pm MACINTRYE UNDERCOVER The renowned investigative journalist infiltrates a Star Wars convention disguised as Jango Fett, complete with a hidden camera in his, er... helmet's camera attachment.
9:00pm The QUEUE Pt 2 Chaos ensues when it transpires that two elderly women in the queue aren't even Star Wars fans. "We came down for the Queen Mum's funeral but then we saw a group of people queuing and we just couldn't help ourselves..."
9:30pm BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS SW SPECIAL Denis Lawson introduces exclusive footage of Jar Jar Binks in Sesame Street and Salacious Crumb on Saturday Superstore.
10:00pm JUNKYARD STAR WARS Two teams of Ugnauants from Bespin battle it out for salvage supremacy. With your host, Watto.
11:00pm THE QUEUE Pt 3 With only 1 hour left until the doors open a group of skinheads push to the front of the queue. An attempt at a Jedi mind-trick results in a broken nose and two bruised ribs for an accountant from Tooting Bec.
11:30pm STUART MACONIE'S STAR WARS MEMORIES
In a candid broadcast Stuart Maconie admits that he's never seen any of the Star Wars films and he has no opinion on them whatsoever.
11:35pm FRANK BOUGH LIVE FROM HOTH Frank returns to Norway to meet the men who played the Rebel army in that epic snow battle (with subtitles).
Midnight: TRADE FEDERATION SECRETS Learn how to make your own Battle Droid called Roger.
1:00am CLOSE DOWN followed by Alan Dean Foster's Splinter of the Mind's Eye on Ceefax, accompanied by the Geoff Love Orchestra Plays Star Wars.
1:12am NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
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SCI FI SELL OUT?
Tachyon TV has learnt that the second season of Enterprise will be sponsored by the soft drink Dr Pepper.
The multi-million dollar deal includes a series of special Star Trek themed Dr Pepper adverts - which include the tagline: What's the Worst Plot Twist That Could Happen?" - that will top and tail the show, but this is nothing compared to the controversial step of placing the product within the series itself, as the following episode stills illustrate:
 
Unfortunately, Enterprise isn't the only sci-fi property currently trading on its lucrative iconography. Stanley Kubrick's seminal work, A Clockwork Orange, has recently been acquired by the Orange Mobile Phone Network in an advert that also cashes in on the recent spate of mobile phone muggings:
The Future's Bright.
The Future's Clockwork Orange
And finally, it seems that Star Wars isn't content with its toy and burger tie-in deals and it is succumbing to the dark art of product placement too:
 
Have they no shame? We will continue to investigate this stomach churning trend and we'll report our findings next month.
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Audiences know that Minority Report is rubbish before it's even released The British government has advised science fiction fans not to travel to Greece, due to the Greek authorities tendency to arrest and jail sad bastards
It appears that Michael Jackson's cameo in MIB2 is the result of a misunderstanding. "Gee, they definitely described it as Men Who Were Black to me!" said the King of Pap
K-PAX, the film which features Kevin Spacey as a man who thinks he's an alien from outer space was originally going to be called T-PEX until the error was corrected
The BBC are to make a slimmed down version of the hit US series, 24. Called 4, the show will follow Steve McFadden having the worst mid-afternoon of his life
Russell Watson's 'Faith of the Heart' has been given a second opinion by doctors and has now been diagnosed as 'Cirrhosis of the Liver'
Issue #317 of Doctor Who Magazine "reimagines" Tachyon TV as a piss-poor, gag-free sci-fi news spoof
The BBC have announced a brand new TV nostalgia show. I F**KIN' HATE THE 70s features candid reminiscences from a coughing, white finger-suffering coal miner, the survivors of the Munich Olympic terrorist action, Stuart Maconie and the cast of Space: 1999
Keanu Reeves' starring role in the new Captain Scarlet movie was put in jeopardy yesterday when the director lost sight of him whilst filming in a timber yard
80's Popstar Luke Goss attended a packed press conference to talk about his role as the baddie Novak in Blade 2. When asked what it was like working with Wesley Snipes, Luke replied "I can't answer, I can't answer that"
The Beckhams are set to feature in a fly-on-the-wall documentary this summer, focusing on his involvement in the 2002 World Cup. Three Lions, the Witch & the Sore-Toed will be broadcast on UK Living in September
A remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is currently in production but with most of the horror and gore toned down.
The Plastic Spatula Incident is set to arrive in the new year
From Hell' prequel in production called 'Jack the Nipper'
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 Biology Students at Glasgow University have used a frame-by-frame analysis of Ewan McGregor's initial reaction to the title of Episode 2 in order to map the effect of stunned bewilderment on the human face.
Eagle eyed viewers might spot some familiar faces during the Senate scene in SW2. In the far right of the screen you can clearly make out Howard the Duck, Wally, Dusty Bin from TV's 321, and Count Duckula (played by Christopher Lee).
 "The next film will be even darker than this one. Unless we work out how to adjust the contrast on these new fangled digital cameras." - Rick McCallum
Star Wars has endured its fair share of pornographic remakes, including: Star Whores - Jar Jar Bonks - Return of the KY - Shooting Up Beggar's Canyon - The Empire Takes It Up the Backside and the award winning Force the Feel
 David St Hubbins makes an uncredited appearance on Track 3 of the Attack of the Clones soundtrack (3' 17" in) where he is accompanied by Derek Smalls on the bongos.
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 The suggestions that never made it to the screen
From: Burger King
To: George Lucas Why don't we just design the Droid in the shape of a Whopper container and be done with it? It'll save a lot of aggro in the long run...
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#6: Tony Blair
"Reverse our policy on the neutron flow!"
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Salacious Crumb
V
The ITV Monkey
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The Art of Star Wars - lavishly illustrated hardback book which charts exactly how to milk a franchise for all its worth (includes diagrams and flow charts and everything!) £25.99
Metal Gear So Solid Crew - Garage music inspired by the best-selling PS2 game £1.99
Talking BBC Controller Toy Comes in 3 varieties - Grade", Yentob" and Dyke". Press their heads to hear amazing voices say "Doctor Who has a future at the BBC" - "Get out of my office!" - "Not on my nelly!" and the terrifying "Get Dan Freedman on the phone!!"
Harry Potter Sale! All DVD's are now only a Quid Each
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Bib Fortuna Quarterly
Format: A4
Circulation: 12
When: Every 4 years, give or take
Who: Tat Wood
Where: Windmill Street
How: £5.65
What to expect: Explicit photographs of fleshy appendages with throbbing veins and a very wide girth, coupled with headlines scrawled in crayon.
Past Issues: The first issue included a knitting pattern for a Bib in the shape of a baby Twi'lek.
Verdict: Despite appearing in two of the worst Star Wars movies ever committed to celluloid (so far), it seems that Bib Fortuna beats Jar Jar Binks to the title of biggest cock in the Star Wars universe.
Next Month: The Gates McFadden Centerfold Review
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This week we ask: How far up its own arse is 2001: A Space Odyssey?
 "If you're gonna go to all the trouble of building spaceships for a movie you should show them kicking the shit out of each other at least once! I fast forwarded to the end, looking for a dogfight, but all I got was an old guy in a fucking room! I get enough of that at home looking after my freakin' Dad."
 "Oh, I know this film - it's the one with the old guy in a dress who stalks the beaches of Sri Lanka looking for skulls made out of cystal. He kidnaps some small children and Jodie Foster has to rescue them. It was a thriller, wasn't it?"
 "Without a doubt, Leonard Rossiter's finest hour." "Without a doubt, Leonard Rossiter's finest hour." "
 "I remember seeing this with my wife before she ran away and took the kids. I distinctly remember her telling me that I reminded her of the film's hero. It was only later that I discovered that she was referring to the ape with the bone. Bitch."
 "Is that the time it's on? I'll get my nephew to set the video, love. It interfers with EastEnders, you see. I think it might be the aerial."
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Neil Perryman
Matthew Sawyer
John Paul Green
Andy Thompson
Arthur Banks
Phil Biggs
Paul Samuel
Nev Fountain
Phil Biggs |
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ADVERT
13TH-14TH JULY, 2002
THE DERBY TEA ROOMS
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