FIREFLY STRIKE - NO END IN SIGHT
 The Firefly strike has entered its fifth week, with cast and crew refusing to film any more episodes until they secure a 40% rise in their Gingham allowance. Speaking on behalf of Joss Whedon, Andy Gilchrist said: "The executives are threatening the very fabric of the show!"
A spokesperson for FOX remained defiant: "It might sound controversial but we want to scale-down the gingham. As a result we have promised to order a further 13 episodes with an increased budget of 11% if - and only if - the show begins a process of rapid modernisation. It's supposed to be the 29th century, for christsake! They need to ditch the gingham for jumpsuits and swap the horses for spaceships. Then we'll talk".
The strike had been brewing long before the first episode had even aired, with Gary Turtleneck, 'man in charge of providing sound effects in space', downing his mouse and walking out on the very first day of post-production. Since then things have gotten worse, with some directors finishing episodes in the wrong order, just to piss off the executives at FOX.
Keep-fit guru Diana Moran (formerly of BBC Breakfast Time) is scheduled to fly out to LA later this week in an effort to help break the deadlock. Stay tuned...
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WILL GOUGH GET OFF?
 Veteran actor Michael Gough has been arrested for stealing items from the set of Batman Returns. Gough, who played Bruce Wayne's butler Alfred, is said to have taken a valuable bat-o-rang, a Max Shreck wig and some giant penguins. He told police that director Tim Burton had given all the items to him as a parting gift, in thanks for his stoic performance.
Early reports suggest that Gough's trial will almost certainly collapse - one charge against the actor concerning the script for Batman and Robin has already been dropped, after Joel Schumacher suddenly remembered that the item never really existed in the first place.
Gough's arrest comes less than a month after The Tomb Raider Raider trial collapsed which saw Chris Barrie narrowly escaping a six year sentence when Angeline Jolie remembered that the camisole knickers did indeed belong to Barrie after all.
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SPIELBERG TAKEN WITH 'TAKEN'
 Tachyon TV caught up with Sir Steven Speilberg to discuss Taken, his brand new mini-series for the Sci-'spit'-Fi Channel
Tachyon: Tell us about Taken.
Steve: It's a kickboxing computer game. I think I just bought the rights.
T: No, we mean Taken, the epic new sci-fi show.
S: Never heard of it.
T: But your name is in the title - Steven Speilberg Presents Taken.
S: If I've told them once, I've told them a thousand times - it's Steven Speilberg Bankrolls Taken! Shessh!
T: So, you can't tell us what the show is about then?
S: I went to a meeting once. (pause) Hang on, it'll come to me... (very long pause) YES! I've got it! It's about lots of little men in grey trying to take over the entire world with their narrow-minded fascistic viewpoint. Oh no, wait a minute, that's the Sci-Fi Channel. Look, all I know is that Taken is an incredibly risky television experiment which defies current broadcasting conventions.
T: Ah, you mean the fact that the story spans 50 years and that all 20 hours will be screened on consecutive nights?
S: No, I mean they hired Eric Close.
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SATIRIST ADMITS TO 'CLONE WARS CARTOON' OBSESSION
A writer for a satirical sci-fi website has confessed that he is "obsessed" with Lucasfilm's decision to make a animated Star Wars cartoon.
"When I heard they were doing an animated series it instantly set off ideas for satirical sketches I could write. Like, you know, what if it was something like Looney Tunes, with Count Dooku constantly trying to throw rocks on Yoda? Or I could make some fake cell-art with all the characters drawn in a cheapskate Scooby Doo stylee! Or some Japanese Porn featuring Padme! The possibilities are endless! Or at least they would be if I knew how to use Photoshop."
The writer was last seen buried under mounds of screwed-up paper, gibbering "Count Dooku, Where are You?", "I Tawt I Taw a pretty AT-AT" and "Betty Naboop!" in an increasingly high-pitched voice.
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SPIDER-MAN 2 BULLSHIT SEMINARS BEGIN
Even though the film isn't slated for release until 2003, the promotional campaign for Spiderman 2 is already well underway - in the form of week-long 'bullshit' seminars to be attended by many of its stars.
Sam Raimi explains:"The first Spider-Man movie did amazing box office and that was primarily due to the actors willingness to spout copious amounts of bullshit in cheap featurettes on syndicated TV. However, there are only so many clichés that you can make about one comic book-based movie. That's why we're already taking Tobey MacGuire, Kirsten Dunst and the rest to a secret location for a week to teach them some all-new bullshit phrases for the next round of promotional interviews."
However, bullshit can come at a price. For example, Willem Defoe had to be admitted to hospital after informing an Entertainment Tonight! crew for the thirteenth time that his character the Green Goblin "epitomised the Nietzchian struggle for supremacy that the primitive unconscious wages on the rational mind, a battle mirrored in the relationship between his son Harry and the heroic Peter Parker". Sam Raimi even organised a special party for him on his release, in honour of his dedication to pseudo-moralistic, quasi interpretative Hollywood bullshit.
"With great film-making comes great responsibility to the share-holders," concluded Raimi.
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 TACHY AWARDS 2003
Most Pointless DVD Extra of 2002 Award:
Attack of the Clones Disc One
Best Example of Sci-Fi Journalism Award:
SFX's Classified Section
Spatial Anomaly of the Year Award:
Babylon 5 DVD aspect ratio for 'And the Sky Looks All Stretched'
"I Can't Believe They're Doing This" Deja Vu Award:
Teri Bauer gets amnesia in 24
Best Sci-Fi Reference in a Normal Show Award:
Alan Partridge buys the rights to K9
Most missed genre show:
Space Port Omega One
"I Can't Believe They're Doing This" Deja Vu Award:
Teri Bauer gets amnesia in 24
Peter Jackson Award for Best LOTR Adaption of 2002:
JMS for Legend of the Rangers
Product Placement of the Year Award:
Tom Cruise goes shopping in 'What Everybody Wants' in Minority Report
Dumb-Ass moment of 2002:
Canceling Farscape and renewing Stargate (a tie)
Most Heavily Edited Film Award:
Attack of the Clones - three hours worth of trailers for a two hour film? What the hell happened?
Most Convincing Use of a Mobile Phone in 2002:
Jack Bauer calls Kim , 24, episode 9, 9am-10am
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Battlestar Galactica remake to feature Dirk Benedict in a dress
BBC News 24 told to add more tension plot twists to broadcasts
BBCi bosses have egg on their faces when they realise that the classic Douglas Adams' TV series they are about to remake for net-casting isn't The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy after all, but Shada - some old seventies crap that was so bad the production team went on strike and refused to finish it
Farscape fans make their own TV commercial in an attempt to draw attention to the fact that SG1 is rubbish. Even though the commercials ("I'm a brain surgeon and I HATE Stargate") have aired at 3am on small local cable stations, they have already trounced that other series in the ratings
The CIA have intercepted a chat transcript from a Lord of the Rings chat-room which suggests that Al-Qaeda is regrouping:Osama666> Have you booked those Two Towers tickets yet?
InSaNeTeRrOrIsT> Yeah. December 19th. 2pm. American Airlines flight 32. Can't wait.This follows reports that President George W. Bush momentarily confused the Middle East with Middle Earth when he accused Saddam Hussein of not declaring his Urak-Hai breeding programme
Following news that Will Smith has dropped out of the film version of Isaac Asimov's seminal novel, Ali G has stepped into the lead role of Aiii! Robot
Keifer Sutherland paid six figure sum to say "Previously on The Lord of The Rings" at the beginning of The Two Towers
Toy company Hasbro have been fined five million dollars for price-fixing. A new range of Action figures based on the Hasbro appeal court process will be available from next month. |
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The 20th Bond film, Die Another Day, celebrates the franchise's 40th anniversary with a plethora of inter-textual references to all the other films. Just in case you didn't spot them here are just a few:
Halle Berry looks just like Ursula Andress in 'Dr No'. Except that her bikini is orange and she has much shorter hair.
While in Havana Bond picks up a book - it's 'Safari Suits and Eyebrows' - Roger Moore's autobiography.
For the first 15 minutes of the film Bond looks like shit - a direct and unequivocal reference to A View To A Kill.
Madonna's theme tune makes the audience grimace in pain in exactly the same way that Roger Moore did while strapped into that Zero-G simulator in Moonraker (below)
Miranda Frost's line "Love for dinner and coco-pops for breakfast" is a lift from an early Ian Fleming novel.
The laughably poor CGI effects are a tribute to Goldeneye
The invisible car has also been used in at least four other entries, although we're not sure which ones..
And finally, the plot is a tired mish-mash of the last 20 films: loving homage or a distinct lack of any new ideas. You decide&
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#12: Andy Gilchrist
"Welcome to my Type 40% TARDIS"
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With the release of The Complete Sixth Doctor Magazine this month Dr Who fans felt that thanks to the hard work of TV historian Andrew Pixley they now knew everything there was to know about Colin Baker's tenure as the Timelord. But wait! Within seconds of it's publication Pixley unearthed some new and exciting facts! What a to-do!
Never fear! Tachyon TV is proud to present Pixley's Appendix : the first in a brand new series which fills in those crucial gaps in your Dr Who knowledge.
This week: Attack of the Cybermen
During the studio recording on Friday 6 July Colin brought a copy of The Times with him with the intention of doing the crossword in-between takes. However, he forgot to bring a pen with him and the crossword was later abandoned.
Monday 30th April: John Nathan-Turner hires a Private Investigator to spy on Paula Moore after hearing rumours that she is in fact Ian Levine in a dress.
Saturday 7th July: Filming is delayed for twelve minutes and seventeen seconds when Nicola Bryant gets a bad case of the hiccups.
Sunday 8th July: Colin has a well deserved lie-in.
Friday 13th July: Faith Brown ordered the chicken from the BBC Canteen. This is later abandoned.
The serial was sold to Uzbekistan in 1986. They promptly sent it back again. The Rehearsal scripts originally described the Cybermen as "tough, no-nonsense warriors who exude power and pure menace." This was later abandoned.
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The David Howe Doctor Who Book Book - a complete, illustrated guide to every single book about Doctor Who ever written by David J. Howe. From the same people who brought you The Dave Rogers Avengers Companion Companion and Peter Haining Is A C**T
The 3-Disc 'Stop Yer Bloody Whinging' Edition of E.T. - comes complete with scenes of men pointing guns at small children.
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Neil Perryman
David McGowan
John Paul Green
Matthew Sawyer
Andy Thompson |
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