BBC Wales, producers of the hit series, The Farming News, have announced that they will produce a new series of Doctor Who for BBC television, although it will take them two years to their act together and save up enough money for some of those newfangled digital camcorders.

Our undercover agent working for Sheep Dip Daily has uncovered the following nuggets of information:

The first episode will be called 'Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch of Death' and it will break with the established Who mythos.

Afraid of being bogged down with endless continuity, it has been agreed that the new show will not feature the classic police box TARDIS, but a 1963 Daimler instead. Gone too is the moniker of 'the Doctor'; instead he will be referred to as the Detective Inspector. He will not be answerable to the Time Lords, but he will be under pressure from the 'Chief', who will be keeping a watchful eye on our hero as he battles with a new variety of villains, including a corrupt banker, a drugs baron and a gang of villains hiding in a shed at Heathrow Airport. The BBC are convinced that this format will be a surefire winner.

The series writer, Russell T. Davies (Queer as Folk), has promised that the new Doctor won't kiss any girls like McGann did in the 1996 TV Movie. However, he hasn't ruled out some hardcore felching with the Master in later episodes.

William Hill have responded to the news by opening a book on who might play the new Doctor:

3/1: Tom Jones -- 4/1: Neil Kinnock -- 5/1: Ivor the Engine -- 8/1: Alan Davies -- 10/1: Aled Jones -- 50/1: Anthony Hopkins -- 100/1: Shirley Bassey -- 200/1: Windsor Davies -- 300/1: Rhys Ifans -- 500/1: Sylvester McCoy

Panini Comics have recently announced plans for an interactive version of Doctor Who Magazine to coincide with plans for a new series.

"We're sick of pandering to the foibles of vocal fandom", one insider told us. "One minute McCoy was crap, then he was misjudged, then Troughton was revered then the BBC went ahead and released the Seeds Of Death on DVD. We've even got people actually enjoying the Big Finish CDs - it beggars belief. Christ knows what will happen with this new series..."

So what new measures will they be introducing to cater for this polarisation?

"Well, each and every article will now give the reader the choice of which opinion to subscribe to. So, a review might read 'Attack Of The Cybermen features one of the best/worst uses of the silver/metallic giants/extras, as one would expect of the uncredited writing talents/referential abominations of Eric Saward/that bastard'.

Tachyon TV can be exclusively reveal that the eminent composer, musician and artist, Mr Rolf Harris has been commissioned to provide the theme music to the new series.

"I was delighted to be asked," said the Antipodean cult figure. "I loved the Don Harper and his Electronic Homunculus version of the theme and I hope I can do justice to it.

Who fans have been gathering in groups across the globe to praise the show's return, but the celebrations have not been limited to pub crawls and parties. Mass cullings of the last 14 years' fan fiction have also been taking place.

"It was beautiful," wept fan Patrick Thistle, "my God it was beautiful! We'd all heard the news about the new BBC series and had been out drinking. It was after we got kicked out the Dog and Puke that we found ourselves on some deserted wasteland and one of us got out his copy of the latest BBC novel and set light to it. Within seconds we were dancing around it like Ian Chesterton! We realised we were free! We were finally free! We didn't have to pretend anymore!!"

The fan-fiction cullings have been spreading like wildfire. One organised event is due to take place in London on the 23rd November, and millions of Who books will be burnt under an effigy of Lawrence Miles and Stephen Cole. Says Andrew Beech of the DWAS, "We have been waiting for this moment for what feels like forever, and I don't just mean the return of the show. For 14 years we've had to pretend that published fan fiction, especially all that BBC Books crud, was worth buying. Yeah, yeah, 'keeping the flame burning' and all that bollocks. But show me a fan who's read one to the end without weeping and I'll show you a damn liar."

Doctor Who audio producers Big Finish today slammed the BBC's decision to bring Doctor Who back to our screens. Writer/director Gary Russell blasted the move, arguing that it'll mean the end of the line for the long running series of CD adventures.

"Thanks a lot, BBC. Just when we're becoming recognised as the official producers of new Doctor Who they go and announce that it's coming back on TV. Brilliant," says Russell, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Russell says staff at Big Finish were 'gutted' when the news broke. "Who the hell is going to want to spend fifteen quid on an audio when they can watch some smart new version, written by the hottest writer in the industry, on telly on a Saturday night - for free!!!? This is curtains for us. After the hours we've put into this project this is a real kick in the guts."

Writer Russell T Davies has announced that Matthew Waterhouse has agreed to return as the nerdy computer geek Adric.

"The most popular, longest running series are always defined by those memorable characters which everyone just loves to hate. When I heard that Dirty Den was coming back to EastEnders it got me thinking.

"I know a lot of people will say that I should bring back the Master or Davros, but those characters were always a bit too much like pantomime villains for me. I was really looking for someone who inspired genuine hatred in the audience - someone who people specifically tuned in to see, just so they could scream and shout and swear at him. I wanted a character that the viewers really wanted to see die a slow and painful death. When I'd settled on those requirements, Adric was the obvious choice. And fortunately for us, Matthew's free right now,' referring to the actor who made the role of the moody alien teenager his own.