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IS EPISODE 2 RACIST?
 George Lucas finds himself accused of racism once again as a row erupts over an evil alien race who appear in Episode 2 called the Nig Nogs".
"It's just a name, it doesn't actually mean anything. It's as harmless as the Pak'keyes" from the planet Spick"" said George.
"It's certainly not intentional," said George's best mate, Rick McCallum. "The merchandising opportunities that can be gleaned from the air-car pursuit sequence on Coruscant are the only race relations George is concerned with".
When confronted with the complaint that all the bad guys in Episode 2 have "stupid foreign accents", Lucas held firm. "That is simply not the case. Have you listened to Ewan McGregor in the trailer? He's one of the good guys, goddammit!"
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NEWS 24 GOES "24"
In a desperate attempt to boost its audience share, BBC News 24 will soon be broadcast in a real-time split-screen format (with an optional soundtrack by Hans Zimmer).
The BBC deny that the move has anything to do with the recent success of the US thriller, 24. "News doesn't wait for an editor!" said Peter Horrocks, Head of News and Current Affairs. "Shit happens! And we don't want our viewers to miss a single second, unlike some other shows I could mention."
"That other show should call itself 16½," fumed Tim Sebastian. "We're the only show brave enough to show those missing 1,200 seconds an hour. Real-time, my arse!"
It is estimated that by the year 2004 over half the news will be relayed to the audience via badly composed hand-hand camera shots of Joanna Gosling and Matthew Amroliwala whispering into mobile phones in the BBC carpark, while slow news days will give the viewer the opportunity to follow Gavin Essler skulking around the corridors of the BBC in search of a mirror.
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INVASION OF THE REALITY SHOWS
A deluge of "tenuous reality" shows aimed at the cult-tv viewer will hit our television screens this summer, and Tachyon TV has all the details:
The Amazing Face Race - 11 teams of hardcore A-Team aficionados race across the world in search of Dirk Bennedict. The twist is all the contestants are afraid of flying.
In a similar vein, Sci-Fi Fear Factor will see hopelessly addicted Dr Who fans faced with the news that the series ain't never, ever coming back; and to cap it all - the spin-off merchandising has been cancelled too.
Meanwhile, Sci-vivor sees 12 sci-fi producers fight to the death in a large arena. The prize? A a "mid-season backdoor pilot replacement" for the show they are currently touting. Insiders predict a head-to-head showdown between Richard Hatch and Joe Straczynski, but keep your eye on Philip Seagal who may still surprise.
Finally, Temptation Island Sci-Fi Special will feature a group of Star Trek obsessed couples who are subjected to relentless hours of far superior television (Poltergeist: The Legacy and Judge Judy, for example) on a remote desert island. Will they still fancy a back-to-back Borg marathon two week later?
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 MY LIFE AS A SCRIPT EDITOR
Tribune executive Allan Eastman has announced that Kevin Sorbo's dog, Gizmoe, will serve as Andromeda's new story editor, replacing the recently sacked Robert Wolfe.
"Wolfe had certain complicated intellectual ideas about the show - such as continuity, plot, story, exposition and dialogue," said Eastman. "With Gizmoe, we have found an story editor with a vision that meshes perfectly with our own. Plus, he's really fluffy."
After settling into his new office in Vancouver, Gizmoe has gotten right down to business, firing and urinating on most of the show's writers and radically rewriting the third season's scripts.
"Oh, Gizmoe was extremely helpful," explains Andromeda writer Joe Reinkemeyer. "One time I was writing this episode and the script called for Kev to be caught up in some interplanetary intrigue involving Pyrian technological secrets, and Gizmoe took one sniff of the script and then he bit me right on the ankle. It's those kind of notes that really make all the difference."
Click here for an exclusive episode guide (warning: contains spoiled pavements).
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HARLAN ELLISON - WHAT DID HE REALLY DO ON BABYLON 5, EH? 
For years it's been a question that has stumped even the most ardent of B5 fans, but now the answer may have been found on a soiled napkin.
This napkin, which is currently attracting bids of up to 12 dollars on Ebay, purports to detail a hastily conceived contract between Joe Straczynski and Harlan Ellison, made only a few hours before the second season aired in the US. If true it could radically reshape how people apportion blame for the series in the future.
It reads as follows:
In exchange for the credit of Creative Consultant on Babylon 5 I, Harlan Ellison, agree to:
i) Defend Babylon 5 at dinner parties..
ii) Circulate rumors of a Demon With A Glass Hand/B5 crossover sequel, even though we both know that ain't never gonna happen.
iii) Tell the "cup of vomit" anecdote when fans criticise the Great Faker.
iv) Stop talking incessantly about Star Trek.
v) Pop in for coffee from time to time.
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GOD GIVES HARRY KNOWLES AN ADVANCE PREVIEW OF THE END OF THE WORLD"
Harry Knowles, famous for his Aint It True website, was given a firsthand sneak preview of the end of the world yesterday, months before us mere mortals will get a look-in.
The preview, which is reported to have involved time-travel and telepathy, features "special effects which make The Fellowship of the Ring look like Hawk the Slayer" and "some of the most grotesque disembowelments you'll ever witness," but Harry remains unimpressed overall.
"I give it 3 stars," said Knowles. "The Sun's implosion just didn't make any sense to me. Sure, it looked kinda COOL but it really should have ended when all that fucked-up Rick Baker shit started happening. To tell you the truth, it sagged in the middle."
"Look who's talking!" said God, who still expects to break box office records when his trumpet of judgment plays the Pearl and Dean theme tune any day now...
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Now that a title has been announced for the 20th Bond film (Die A Week On Tuesday) details concerning the film's plot have started to leak out.
Our spies in Norwich (where shooting is already well underway) managed to get their grubby little paws on this exclusive little script extract:
SCENE 5 - Q's WORKSHOP - INT. DAY
BOND: What have you got for me, Q?
Q: Ah, Mr Bond! Here, take this Ericsson R380, and for pity's sake, be careful with it!
BOND: Why? Does it contain tiny packets of Semtex?
Q: Er... No.
BOND: Hidden lasers, then? A GPS navigation system, perhaps?
Q: Not exactly...
BOND: Then what does it do, Q?
Q (HOLDING UP PHONE TO CAMERA): Listen very carefully. Bond. The Ecrisson R380 comes with the Easy-Chataway-Tariff plan, which means it's never been cheaper to talk - at any time of the day! The savings have never been greater, Bond!
BOND: F**king hell! That is impressive!
Q: The Ecrisson R380 also includes voice activated speed dial, a built-in currency converter and it's WAP friendly too, so you can check out some great websites, like Sony.com. And it comes in a stylish blue grey finish which will look lovely next to your new Aston Martin. Here, let me slip it into your Paul Smith suit...
(CUE RING TONE PLAYING MADONNA THEME TUNE. Q AND BOND TURN TO THE AUDIENCE AND LAUGH)
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TIM BURTON DECIDES TO GO APE AGAIN
Tim Burton has decided to return to a planet where apes evolved from men for his next pointless multi-million dollar motion picture.
"It's an amazing concept," said the untidy-haired horse-faced genius. "A world where the apes are dominant, where they drink tea and try to get pianos upstairs with hilarious consequences. It's such a unique vision, and I have a duty as the enfant-terrible of Hollywood to make my own a derivative special effects-clogged version of it".
Helena Bonham Carter has already signed up to play the chimp in the flowery dress that says "coo-ee!", and Charlton Heston is rumoured to make another cameo as the chimp in the bowler hat who says "No son, but if you hum it, I'll play it".
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WICKER CAGE - THE FULL STORY
 A remake of the 1973 classic The Wicker Man is about to enter production but the film's star and executive producer Nicholas Cage is worried that the original film didn't utilise the Wicker Man's super powers enough.
"My Wicker Man will be stronger, faster and he will have the power of flight," said the tough guy actor. "That other guy from the first film just kinda stood there and burned a bit. And his costume was so dull! The least they could have done was given him a cape with a big W written on it!"
Early designs for the Pagan avenger include an asbestos two piece and laser guns built into the eyes. There is even early talk of a spin-off featuring Alyson Hannigan as the Wicca Woman.
When we asked Edward Woodward to comment on his proposed cameo he said, "Oh Christ no, oh Jesus Christ! No!!!!"
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DR WHO SUPER-FANS ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL
Pale Dr Who fan Andrew N. Pixley has been rushed to hospital. Early reports indicate that he has been suffering from acute punctuation.
"He's completely riddled with exclamation marks," said one
white-coated expert. "The best cure is plenty of sleep and for him to avoid any excitement, so we're showing him The Sensorites on a tape loop until he gets better".
Speaking from his hospital bed, Pixley said "Hi everybody! Don't worry!! I'm sure I'll be up and about in no time!!!! I hope!!!!" He then made a smiley winking face, which made his family cry.
In the next bed David J. Howe is currently having his appendix removed. "It's a tricky job, because his appendix is about a 1000 pages long and cross referenced with all the names of planets the Doctor has visited". said a real Doctor.
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The BBC replace their 38 year-old globe logo with a plastic Boba Fett figurine perched on the end of a cliff
 Gerry Anderson spotted in talks with Keanu Reeves about a Captain Scarlett feature film. If the rumours are true this will mark a return to working with wooden puppets for Gerry
Vin Diesel's new movie XXX gets a pathetic PG-13 rating, even though it features a giant tit in the lead role
Details about the Lord of the Rings "How the Fuck am I Supposed to Find the Time to Watch All This Shit??" DVD Collectors Edition have been released.The Fellowship of the Ring comes on 24 discs and features an all-new eight hour Director's cut of the film, a 3 hour trailer for The Two Towers, a comfortable pillow and a free prescription for some industry standard amphetamines. Customers will be advised to lift the DVD boxset with their legs, and not their backs
Auditions are currently underway for the lead role in an dramatisation of the life of Dolly, the world's first cloned sheep, in A Womb with a Ewe
Microsoft have responded to complaints that the X-Box scratches game CDs. "It's designed to save you the time and effort usually associated with doing this manually," said Bill Gates during in a rare moment when he wasn't playing GTA3 on the PS2
Satirists have been plunged into chaos amidst rumours that Star Wars 2 might actually be good. Emergency support groups are currently being set up for Simon Pegg and Weird Al Yankovic
Will Young has been criticised for waiting until he was Number One before announcing his membership of the Blake's 7 fan club (he's the Treasurer)
Advance previews suggest that the Scooby Doo live-action film is unmitigated shite - and therefore a perfect reproduction of the 1970's cartoon in every conceivable way. What's everyone moaning about?
The North East film commission is about to branch out into regional adaptations of recently successful genre films, beginning with Y.I. and Toon Raider
Scientists responsible for the mapping of the human genome will now turn their long-term attention to finding a coherent running order for the first 13 episodes of Babylon 5: Crusade
The Chinese have successfully launched a prototype space shuttle with a "dummy astronaut" in command. Lance Bass from N'Sync said "It's fantastic! It's like a dream come true!"
Oscar judges are accused of "small-ism" when Lord of the Rings only wins the categories no-one gives a toss about. "It's always the same old story," said Kenny Baker. |
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 David Hayter has promised that his film version of the classic 1980's graphic novel, Watchmen, will be brought bang up to date for today's audiences. Digital Watchmen begins shooting later this year with Simon Cowell as Ozymandius.
X-Men 2 is set to feature a number of "mutant cameos" in the shape of some brand new characters never seen in the comic books. 'Mumbler' (David Duchovny), 'Rock' (The Rock), 'Misery-Guts' (Russell Crowe) and 'Git' (Kevin Sorbo) have all been confirmed so far.
 With the digital removal of the Twin Towers from the new Spiderman film, our web-slinging hero will now find himself with some new super powers, such as suspending himself in mid-air and climbing up invisible walls.
Glenn Hoddle famously blamed Superman 4: The Quest for Peace for "that poor bastard getting himself stuck in that wheelchair. What goes around comes around.
 Blade 3: The Best A Man Can Get is currently in early stages of production. It sees our vampiric hero having a close shave with Gillette, a French Vamp who discovers an ancient artifact - the mythical Wilkinson Sword.
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 The suggestions that never made it to the screen
From: Universal
To: Ang Lee Can we cut out all the balletic bullet-time shit, please? The Hulk is a huge badass bastard, not some pouncy dancer. And don't go over-budget; you wouldn't like us if you went over-budget.
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#5: Gareth Gates
"When I say r-r-r-r-r-r-r-run... Oh bugger, they've caught us."
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Duncan Goodhew
V
Lex Luthor
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Fan Cam Uncut, Channel 5
The reality show that follows Darren Cloughcoat - the fan with a plan. Tonight: Darren returns from his first SF convention and immediately sets about updating his Geocities fan site with 50 photos of himself posing with various terrified Cult TV actors.
Conspiracies, BBC2
A chilling reconstruction of the legendary meeting at Broadcasting House which resulted in Crime Traveller being commissioned by the BBC. With powerhouse performances from Kenneth Brannagh as John Birt, Colin Firth as Michael French's agent and as Robert DeNiro as Alan Yentob.
Sci-Fi Idol, ITV
4 remaining young hopefuls are still fighting for the role of the spunky ensign in the new BBC Sci-Fi series, Space Port Omega One. This week the contestants play an evil twin version of themselves. They are judged this week by Will Wheaton, Pete Waterman and Michaela Strachan.
SF Temptation Island, Sky
The series which follows a group of sci-fi tv show producers as they are relentlessly wooed with 5 season contracts in exchange for increasingly absurd merchandising rights. This week - Joss Whedon endorses a range of Buffy the Vampire Slayer printer cartridges and monitor cleaners over lunch in the Bahamas.
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Sexy Gear Frolic (PS2) Intense game which sees you sneaking around in your wife's lingerie, desperately trying not to get caught. £45.99
Hello (X-Box) The game everyone is talking about - the world's first FPHS (First Person Hand Shaker). Meet and greet as many aliens as you can before they believe you're being extremely rude. £40.99
The Mothra Prophecies Starring Richard Gere as Gigra and Will Patton as Gamera. Extra Features: A Trailer (whoopie-fuckin-do). £15.99
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Jan Michael Vincent Monthly
Format: A4
Circulation: 125
When: Sporadic (despite its title)
Who: Judith Coppola, Chatham, Kent
How: £3.40 (plus £1.50 p&p)
What to expect: If Jan Michael Vincent was in it then this fanzine covers it in loving detail. So, it's basically crammed full of Airwolf stuff and er... that's about it really. When it's not indulging in fantasies about Jan Michael, it seethes with unbridled anger about Marc Singer and Barry Van Dyke.
Past Issues: In-depth articles on the specs of Airwolf and the pecs of Jan. Plenty of fan fiction explaining exactly how Archangel got his eyepatch. One issue explored how much better 'V' would have been if Jan had played the role of Mike Donovan. Issue 2 comes with a guide to "Playing the Cello with Hawke".
Verdict: Probably he best Jan Michael Vincent periodical that money can buy.
Next Month: Dreamwatch
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Neil Perryman
Matthew Sawyer
Nev Fountain
John Paul Green
John Bierce
Phil Biggs
Paul Samuel
Andrew Waugh |
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