DOCTOR WHO LOGO DESIGNERS FOUND HIDING IN FALLUJAH

Q: How many graphic designers does it take to create a new logo for Doctor Who?

A: Four. One to type the words into Photoshop, one to add the lens flare, one to make a nice cup of tea, and another to keep an eye out for snipers.

It was this kind of sick joke that sent the design team responsible for the new Doctor Who logo scurrying into hiding in fear of their lives. "We knew that it was a high-profile gig," said a visibly shaken tea-maker, "but we were unprepared for all the death threats. You can't reason with these people; they still think chrome neon tubes are a neat idea. Iraq seemed like a good place to hide out until they broke the news about spelling Gallifrey with just the one 'L'."

American marines spotted the graphic designers from a Black Hawk during moping up operations in the besieged Iraqi city. "Thankfully, they'd scrawled the word HELP on the roof," said Corporal Hicks. "At least I think that's what it said, some of the letters were a little hard to make out".

Costume Drama

The logo outrage follows hot on the heels of another brouhaha concerning the 9th Doctor's new costume. "I can't believe Russell Davies made the Doctor dress like a heterosexual!" lamented a typical fan. "I want the Doctor to look like an eccentric and mysterious traveler in time and space - not a supply teacher."

The Doctor's new look also poses problems for fancy dress competitions held at Doctor Who conventions around the globe. "We could give First Prize to an off-duty porter by mistake!" screeched Andrew Beech as he finalised the timetable for last year's Panopticon convention. "Whatever next? The Master dressed as a Chava?"

MULDER AND LONE GUNMEN TO REUNITE

X-Files fans are salivating at the news that David Duchovney and the three blokes who played the conspiracy riddled weirdoes in The Lone Gunmen will be teaming up once again.

Lucasfilm admit that they've hired the wrong John Williams to score the final Star Wars film, Memory Like A Sith.

"We knew something was up when the Imperial March came back as a charming little ditty on a spanish guitar. Still, his Cantina Cavatina sounded great!" said Rick McCallum yesterday.

DOCTOR WHO FANS UP IN ARMS AT NOT BEING UP IN ARMS

Doctor Who fans were sent into an uncontrollable rage when they discovered that the new series Daleks will look exactly the same way they remember them.

"It's ridiculous!" screamed the headline on KeepDoctorWhoGay.com "How can we complain about RTD ruining our childhoods and desecrating our memories if he leaves the bloody sink plunger alone! We were all set to boycott the show and the bastards went ahead and pandered to us! They'll be keeping the theme music next! By the way, could you sign my 'wobbly corridor petition' please?"

With the conclusion of the Farscape mini-series, The Beekeeper Wars, Jim Henson remains upbeat about the show's chances of survival.

Speaking exclusively to Tachyon TV he said: "Just because we've tied up all the loose ends, provided satisfactory narrative closure and exhausted all of our ideas, I think we've got a great shot at a new series. After all, it worked for Stargate."

Stunning new evidence reveals that the original 1960s version of Doctor Who was filmed in Widescreen.

Kenneth Stoat, a "clipper" from the BBC takes up the story:

"All TV was recorded in a widescreen format from very early on, but because domestic television sets couldn't cope with the wide pictures people like me were employed to clip the widescreen images down to normal size, and because the cast knew that some of the material wouldn't make it to broadcast they had a little fun during the recording. Here we see a shot from The Dalek Invasion of Earth where Jacqueline Hill's having a little fun in the clipped area trying to put William Russell off his stroke!"

The next issue of Tachyon TV will be our 21st. Hard to believe we've managed to drag it out this long, isn't it. It's due out this Christmas and it will be a nostalgic review of the year (a year we've hardly covered, incidentally). If you'd like to send us a story about 2004 please click here. We're giving away free DVD's to the very best submissions.

Normal transmissions should resume in a bi-monthly fashion in early 2005. The reason we've been offline so much recently is thanks to the actions of a malicious farmer, an incompetent telecom company and the fact that I'm currently living in a caravan. Not very funny, but true.