The makers of the doomed Beagle 2 probe have revealed their latest back-up plan: the Mark 4 Travel Machine.

"Beagle 2 was an ambitious project but it was hampered from the start by a lack of funding," remarked a spokesman from Mars Express. "We wanted Liberty X or Miss Spears to record the call signal but we had to make do with some bleepy piece of crap from two thirds of Blur instead.

"So this time we went straight to the BBC Visual Effects department where we met Mike Tucker, who, as everyone knows, is world famous for creating convincing pieces of machinery on a miniscule budget."

The resulting machine resembles a metallic pepperpot, with tractor wheels to propel it over the terrain of Mars and a high-tech eye-stalk to process visual information.

"We've also added a sucker arm, for the examination of rock particles, and a death ray. You know, just because."

The Mark 4 Travel Machine said: "We will go on. We will grow stronger. When the time is right, we will take our rightful place as the supreme power in the universe. Um, and, er, examine rock samples, of course. I am your servant!"

MTV have announced that their long-running reality show 'The Bakers' is to come to an end, citing dwindling ratings and a profound sense of ennui as reasons.

Luckily, Tachyon has acquired a preview tape of the final episode:

Tom is in his front room, a volume of Dickens by his lap as he makes a phone call.

Tom: "Hello, is that the Radio Times?"

Voice: "Oh God, not ag... yes, Mister Baker, what can I do for you THIS time?"

Tom: "Ahhhhhhhh....Wellllll... I've just had a rather wonderful idea as to who could be the next Doctor Who. I think Basil Brush would make an ideal Doctor. He has this mysterious quality you see, and a wonderfully eccentric asexuality vital to the role..."

Voice: "Mister Baker, this is the fifth time this week you've rung us to suggest a possible new Doctor Who..."

Tom: "Indeed, indeed... but, ahhhhhh, his mysterious quality, you see, could be brought out in scripts that highlighted his asexuality, in a typically British and eccentric. Hello?... Hello, are you there?"

Tom puts down the phone with a sigh. He shrugs his shoulders, and dials again.

Tom: "Hello, is that Clayton Hickman? Hello??.... Hello??"

Doctor Who fans have found a novel way of redressing the BBC's gaffe when they reversed an image of Peter Davison on the cover of The Visitation - they have decided to make it canon.

Gary Russell, head of the Doctor Who Cash-Making Alliance (surely 'Big Finish'? - ed), explains. "As of now, all the cover images for our CDs featuring the 80s Doctors will feature reversed question marks on their lapels and/or jumpers. We'll make sure that Sylvester's umbrella is always facing the appropriate way, and some specially recorded dialogue, snipped from an old after-dinner speech of Pertwee's, will explain that it is, in fact, an ancient Gallifreyan symbol for 'I'm dead eccentric, I am'."

Meanwhile, the Restoration Team had been experimenting with the controversial MirrorFire™ technology in an attempt to reverse the question marks on all the existing episodes, but a horrific accident resulted in a rip in the fabric of space/time and an evil, goatee-bearded mirror self from another universe broke into our reality. Oh, my mistake, it's just Steve Roberts.

We had planned on running an exclusive story about the new Farscape mini-series here until The Jim Henson Company repeatedly assured us that the show is NOT currently in production and flowers can still be sent to Anthony Simcoe as a mark of respect.

We can also reveal that the Firefly movie is not - we repeat, not - in post-production, despite what Joss Whedon might think. Shooting home movie footage of Nathan Fillion larking around outside Starbucks™ doesn't mean you have a green light, Joss.

Other shows currently not in production include: Doctor Who, Battlestar Galactica, Space 1999, Chorlton and the Wheelies, Chocky and The X-Files.

Following Ricky Gervais' cameo in Alias and the news that Martin Freeman will play Arthur Dent in the forthcoming Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie, we can reveal that more Office staff will be moving to genre shows in the near future.

Patrick Baladi (Neil) and Ewen MacIntosh (Keith) are currently in rehearsals for a new Blake's 7 reminagining, playing Tarrant and Gan respectively. The "woman who likes blacks" is strongly tipped to take the role of Doctor Who's next companion, Rose Tyler, and Jasper Carrott's daughter is set to play Richard Dean Anderson's love interest in an upcoming episode of Stargate. Meanwhile, rumours persist that Stephen Merchant has been involved in Thunderbirds reshoots as a last-minute replacement for Brains.

After months of intense speculation, fueled by some tantalising hints from the man himself, JMS has finally broken the silence surrounding his exciting new Babylon 5 project.

Straczynski broke the news on the moderated B5 newsgroup late last night:

"After enduring months of enforced silence I can finally give you the straight skinny on the new Babylon 5 project. After some intense negotiations, and plenty of armchair quarterbacking from Warners, we finally managed to secure the farm late last night. The result will be, I hope you'll agree, the most exciting range of mousemats ever seen on the sci-fi tie-in market.

"If only you could see the one with N'Grath on it - believe me, you would weep if you could see it WITH YOUR OWN EYES. I'm using it right now. It makes a lovely swishy sound when you roll your mouse over it.